Followers

03 July 2011

The Kinect for Xbox 360 and us

We bought a Kinect for our Xbox 360 a few weeks ago. I have been sore in areas I didn't even know I had muscles. For those of you who don't know what the Kinect is, here's a snippet from xbox.com:


You are the controller. No gadgets, no gizmos, just you!


Kinect brings games and entertainment to life in extraordinary new ways without using a controller. Imagine controlling movies and music with the wave of a hand or the sound of your voice. With Kinect, technology evaporates, letting the natural magic in all of us shine.

After giving it your all jumping around, swatting at balls, dodging obstacles, etc, it shows these instant replays and folks, if you know what's smart for you, you'll turn them off. It's like when you hear your recorded voice and can't fathom you actually sound that way. Secretly you maintain that your voice really sounds the way you hear it in your head. It's kinda like that. The video shows you flailing about for no apparent reason. Picture a fish flopping about out of water except it's seal sized, pink, and has four protruding limbs to enhance the effect.

Yep, that about sums it up. Kinect is awesome, but will give you sore muscles and bruise your ego.

05 June 2011

Deep Thoughts from a Shallow Pool

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

Why is an orange an orange, but an apple isn't a red and a banana isn't a yellow?

Where is the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper Picked?

Why is it, when someone asks, “Hey! How’s it going?” it’s perfectly acceptable to reply, “Hey! How are you doing?” and never actually answer their question?

Why are we born with the irresistible urge to examine the tissue after blowing our nose?

I understand the biological reasons for two legs, two arms, two ears, and two eyes, but why two nostrils?

Why do the phrases “I could care less” and “I couldn’t care less” mean the same thing, when they obviously don’t?

Would moms really let their kids play with their food after they had eaten all their toys, or are they just leading them on?

If two trains leave the same station 15 minutes apart headed in the same direction, the first traveling at 20 MPH and the second at 25 MPH, how long will it take for anyone to care?

24 May 2011

23 April 2011

Pirates: The Dark Truth

My five-year-old son (Bun) bought a pirate costume at a yard sale today.  A little girl got to the sword and spyglass first, so the outfit is short a couple of accessories.  On that note, Bun was describing the things he still needed to be a real pirate.

Bun: Daddy, do I look like a real pirate?

Me: Yes.  You look like a great pirate.

Bun: Only I need an eye patch and a bird to tie to my shoulder.

Me: You mean a parrot like a pirate might have?

Bun: Yes. And, Daddy?

Me: Yes, Bun?

Bun: I am the only pirate that brushes his teeth.

Me: That’s a very good pirate.

Bun: Yeah.  You know, pirates don’t ever brush one of their teeth.



22 April 2011

Toddler Lingo

Recently, we've been teaching about the truth and lying during family home evening.  The oldest three indicated they understood, and my three-year-old son seemed to grasp the general concept -- lies are bad -- so we were happy with our progress.


Then yesterday morning after my son got out of the shower, I wrapped a towel around him to dry off and stay warm.  The towel kept slipping off his shoulders, and he was getting seriously frustrated.  Finally, he exploded with the foulest language he could think of: "Towels are a LIE!"

20 April 2011

Easter Bunny Elves

We had a mini just-for-fun egg hunt today.  Each kid got three plastic eggs and a couple foil covered eggs.  After my three-year-old son had finished stuffing the last bit of chocolate in his mouth, he came into the kitchen where I was helping my seven-year-old daughter get a drink of water.  We had the following conversation:

Boy (speaking around a mouthful of chocolate): I need more eggs.

Me: You ate all the candy?

Boy (swallowing): Yeah.  I need more eggs now.

Me: That’s all for tonight.

Boy: But I need more eggs!

Me: You have to wait. The Easter Bunny will bring you more eggs on Easter.

Boy: Where he is?

Me: What?

Boy: Where is de Easter Bunny?

Me: Oh. He’s probably getting his eggs ready for Easter.

Boy (eyes glowing with delight): I can help him!

Me: Er, we don’t know where he is.

Boy: But maybe we could…

Girl (who is already convinced she is smarter than my wife and me combined): I know what you’re going to say.

Boy (confused): What?

Girl: That we can use the GPS.

Boy: What?

Girl: We can use the GPS to find the Easter Bunny.  Then you can help him with the eggs.

Boy: Yes, that!


Maybe they're onto something here.  I mean Santa has elves, but the Easter Bunny doesn't get any helpers.  Heck, he doesn't even have opposable thumbs.

14 April 2011

A photo may be worth a thousand words, but some bring just one to mind: "huh?"


 EMERGENCY EXIT
If you exit, it will be an emergency



 PLEASE NO DIAPERS IN TOILET
Because nobody wants to fish that out



SALE -- 60% OFF!
Quantity, not price

10 April 2011

How to Make a Paper Airplane

Alternate Title:  How to keep your boys busy with an inexpensive and interactive craft.  

Or you.

No one has to know if you are watching this so you can make your own paper airplane.  Go ahead -- live a little.  Everybody's doing it.

09 April 2011

Ignore the Obvious and Humor the Inquisitive

If you could go back in time (a random date, not of your choosing) and take only one thing with you (other than your clothing), what would it be?

Inside Jokes. Because they make life more fun.


“The pulse is in the toilet, but not for long.”


“Crack you like an emesis basin.”



“The circus elephant has lost its way.”



“Two chubby mice.”



WARNING:  If you are not Nikki and actually laughed at any of these, you are clinically bereft of personal contact with other living beings.  Go hug a kitten.

ANOTHER WARNING IN CAPITAL LETTERS SO YOU THINK IT IS SERIOUS AND LEGITIMATE:  If you are Nikki and didn’t laugh at any of these, you may be suffering from a temporary case of defectum humoris.  Do not worry, it is not serious if treated promptly by alternately watching The New World and Galaxy Quest until you are once again able to chuckle.  Or snort.  Snorting is good too.

08 April 2011

Let's play the "Guess What This is Game"

Can you guess what the pictures are?
Hint: They're in order from easiest to hardest.  Probably.


Photo Number One (1)

Photo Number Two (2)

Photo Number (3)

Give it your best shot.  Good luck.  Break a leg.  Or maybe just a toe or two for those of you who aren't fully committed, but will give it a shot anyway on the off chance that you're right and there is an undisclosed cash prize for the first person to guess all three correctly.  Just don't promise to share your winnings with a waitress.  Or, for that matter, Nicolas Cage.  He doesn't need it anyway.

06 April 2011

I love the smell of bile in the evening

My 5-year-old son wasn’t feeling well this evening and complained he felt like puking, but just couldn’t throw up.  I set him up in bed with a book to look at and a bowl to puke in should he not be able to make it to the toilet.  I further instructed him on how to position his head above the bowl in the event of pukage so as to avoid spillover.

Consequently, it wasn’t a huge surprise when he returned not long thereafter.  “Daddy, I puked in the toilet, and there was so much that it couldn’t all fit in the toilet!” he happily declared.

sigh

I glanced at my wife.  Nope.  This one would be all mine.

When I entered the bathroom to check the splatter factor, I found that a more correct statement from my blessed child would have been, “Daddy, I puked in the toilet, and there was so much that I was able to start at the end furthest from the toilet and still get some in the toilet!”

double sigh

Dakrat’s Definitions #872

You call it beating a dead horse.  I call it postmortem advice.  You’re welcome.

After you read this, you'll wonder why you did

Someone much wiser than myself, whom I have subsequently forgotten, once told me, "never do something once in your marriage that you don't want to do the rest of your life."  Unfortunately, the advice came much too late for me.

Why do I bring this up?  That's an excellent question.  I'm glad you asked.  Because of course I wouldn't have continued otherwise.  I would have just ended my post right then and there.  That's really all I had to say about the matter.  Two sentences.  And now I have ten.

03 April 2011

Favorite New Word

I always enjoy General Conference weekend.  Also, thanks to Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's Sunday afternoon session talk, I have a favorite new word.  What is it?  I'm glad you asked.


Bedlamites

02 April 2011

Around the Bloggity World ...in 80 Clicks?

IMPORTANT UPDATE: Shortly after leaving a starting comment on a few blogs, when I tried to return to my blog I got a "blog removed" message.  I can only assume this is in some way associated with this post and/or the comments I left.  Fortunately I was able to jump through some hoops and restore my blog.  Nevertheless, I caution anyone who got my comments against passing the comment along.  Sorry for any inconvenience -- it seemed like a good idea.  Oh well.

The Next Blog Experiment



Goal:  
Find out how long it takes and how many blogs cycle through before someone’s next blog click links back to Hole in the Earth.

Each comment will start this way:

Greetings!  … and my condolences.  Unfortunately, I am not the deposed prince of Nigeria with a lucrative offer for you.  You have not been randomly selected from millions of blogs for a very special offer.  And Bill Gates does not want to share his fortune with you.
However, I did click on the “Next Blog” button on my blog (holeintheearth.blogspot.com), and the super secret squirrel bloggity code algorithms sent me to you.
I’m performing an internet speed test.  Well sort of anyway.  I’m checking to see how long it will take to get a comment back from someone who finds me through the “Next Blog” feature.  I’m leaving a comment on whatever blog pops up when I click the “Next Blog” button (that’s your blog).
Now, your part is to copy this comment, click on the Next Blog button at the top of your blog, paste the comment on whatever blog loads, and add your blog to the bottom of the list below.  Make sure to check in and leave your link at the Around the Bloggity World in 80 Clicks page, including the date and your blog number in the Name field.
Where has the Next Blog button been?
1.  holeintheearth.blogspot.com
2.  (your blog)

Note: As this will be started on multiple blogs, don't worry if you see another blog logged with your same number -- just be happy you are not alone.


01 April 2011

Google's Breakthrough Technology

If you weren't already aware, Google puts a good deal of effort into developing some cutting edge technology they announce around (exactly) this time of year.  Just go to their homepage and check out the Gmail Motion link.  Or click on where I typed Gmail Motion link in the previous sentence.  Or that second time I typed it.  Or the link below, or...

http://mail.google.com/mail/help/motion.html

29 March 2011

How to Make Your Own Cereal at Home

Click on MENU then View Full Screen for the best effect.  Enjoy!

20 March 2011

Five Things that Wig Me Out:

Forgotten Veggies
You know, the kind you find rummaging around in the vegetable drawer, and don’t quite remember buying.  So you decide to check their firmness, only to have your fingers pass straight through to the other side.

Ronald McDonald
Clowns are freaky to begin with, and here’s one that promotes fast food and hangs around exclusively with kids, asking them if they believe in magic.

Musicals
A group of people spontaneously burst into song and dance… repeatedly – it’s unnatural.

Hairless cats
Do I really need to explain this one?

Go-Gurt
It’s like slurping down a large fake-fruit flavored lugie.

19 March 2011

Advice you didn't ask for, probably don't need, but are going to get anyway.

Revenge is best served cold, and hunger is the best sauce.  Therefore if you’re angry at someone, the best way to get back at them is to move to Antarctica and starve to death.  That’ll show ‘em.  That’ll show ‘em good.



18 March 2011

Crunchy Cheddar Jalapeño Cheetos

If you haven't tried them, you are wrong.

16 March 2011

Public Restrooms, Truth in Four Lines.

Nobody really likes a public restroom,
But you sure are glad when you can find one.
Sitting down on a cold seat is horrible,
But sitting down on a warm one is much worse.

15 March 2011

The Fog and The Photos

What is that you ask.  A "B" movie?  A mystery novel?
Nah.  Just photos of fog.





At Night -- the camera tried to compensate for the dark and produced this neat effect



 When I used the flash at night it reflected off the fog and I got this


I call this one "burning bush"


Well Now, That's Rank

Today I steamed broccoli and cauliflower with dinner.  I was late getting them going, so we started eating the other meal items first.  Unfortunately, I got caught up in serving the kids and realized a minute too late that all the water had steamed out of the pan, mildly burning the bottommost vegetables.  Happily, they weren't so bad as to taste terribly burnt, but did have a slight smoky odor.


After dinner, I went into the garage to dispose of a stink bug my wife had trapped under a jar yesterday (yeah, I don't know -- don't ask).  I went outside and disposed of the insect that was in the process of releasing his foul odor for the umpteenth time since getting jarred.  I took a moment to enjoy the night air before returning inside.


PHEWSHWABAM!


If smells made noise, that would be sound that smacked me in the face as I walked into the garage.  It was the smell of burnt broccoli and cauliflower, combined with day old terrified stink bug who recently vacated the garage.  You know, I'm glad smells don't make noise, because this one would have woken up the neighbors.

14 March 2011

Next Blog>>

So, supposedly the Next Blog button at the top of many blogs is supposed to direct you to another in-some-way-similar blog.  Perhaps then we have an opportunity to take a look at ourselves from the outside.  If I click on that button ten times (starting at my blog each time), what will surface?  Below are the results of my little experiment.

  1. Snowy’s Raven Wings Scrap Designs
  2. Hammock Musings from Merida
  3. Brittany vs. Utah
  4. The New Ugly Betty
  5. Bloody Bloggy
  6. There’s a Wocket in My Pocket
  7. I Don’t Want to Grow Up
  8. Smack!
  9. Makamenzii


I get the point… my blog is random.   What does your Next Blog button say about you?

13 March 2011

Some Motivational Demotivators for your Enjoyment






If you're in the mood for some good laughs, check out despair.com.  
And no, this isn't a paid ad, I just get a kick out of their humor. 
hehehe

12 March 2011

Why my Bathroom is Clean

The twins are eighteen months old and are frequently getting into all sorts of toddler mischief.  Consequently, far too often they end up in their play pens or high chairs while my wife and I try to get something done.  I had to work this morning and wanted to spend some quality time with the kids now that I was home.  So, since the weather was nice, I decide to take them out to the backyard where they could run and play with little opportunity to achieve catastrophic levels of home terrorizing.


My wife had taken our three-year-old grocery shopping, the baby was napping, and the other children had joined our backyard adventures.  In short, all was going well.


After some time I heard the baby fussing and went inside to rescue her.  Since she wanted to be held, I opted to sit with her just inside the doorway where I could keep an eye on the kids and read my wife's latest blog post, A Memoir in NUM8ER5.  


This was important to me as the elapsed time between when she posts and my reading them is inversely proportionate to the number of husband points I earn for complimenting her on her wit and domestic prowess.


But I digress.


As I sat reading, my oldest ran in to use the restroom.  I heard him washing his hands afterward and didn't think much of it.  After a few minutes of listening to the water, it hit me.  He doesn't like having to wash his hands after using the bathroom and usually completes the procedure very quickly.  In fact, he seldom washes his hands without having to be reminded... and I hadn't reminded him.  Come to think of it, the water sounds I had heard hadn't been running water, it was sloshing water.  Oh no.


Quick glance outside -- Count the kids -- ONE, TWO, THREE, F... Crap.  Number four was my oldest.  Who was in the bathroom then?  Who wasn't outside?


There was only one toddler outside.


Instantly I knew what was happening.  I set the baby down in her car seat and bolted for the bathroom.  Instantly my fears were confirmed.  I found one smiling toddler drenched from head to foot standing in the middle of a large smelly puddle, happily splashing in the unflushed toilet.


Remember those husband points I referred to earlier?  Well guys, let me tell you, letting your toddler submerge himself in watered-down urine while your wife is shopping isn't the best way to go about earning them.

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[Imagine a picture me scrubbing the bathroom like mad here]


Sooooooo... Honey, my Beautiful Bride, my Eternal Companion (who is just finding out about our little escapade as she reads this), how about that clean bathroom!   :)

Lonely Leaf

He's not much of a talker, but Leafy here is the only company I have.

Vampiric Silver Lining

Someone mentioned to me yesterday that the good news about the earthquake and tsunami that hit Japan is that gas prices are likely to drop since demand will go down (Japan will be using less for a while).

I know they were just trying to look on the bright side of a dismal situation, but now I feel like I'll be taking advantage of others' misfortune when I next fill up at the pump.  Perhaps we could all take some of that money we save and help ease the suffering of those most affected by this disaster.

10 March 2011

Small Successes

Tonight was the big night.  Pinewood Derby racing.  


I got home from work, scarfed down some food and hammered in the car wheels just in time to head back out the door with four kids and one untested racer.  Would it drive straight?  I just prayed it wouldn't slow to a stop halfway through the race.  Having to retrieve your car mid-track is hard for a boy to live down.  


Fast forward a few hours.


We didn't come in last every race!  Is it bad that I'm inwardly happy there was one other Pinewood Derby Car that was slower than mine my son's?


Crap.  Having admitted it, I now I feel bad.  Is this survivors guilt?


Curse you lame artisan.

09 March 2011

The Artisan in Me

Yesterday and today my oldest son and I have been working on his Pinewood Derby car for Cub Scouts.  It was a good chance for me to connect with my inner artisan and get to know him a bit better.  The conversation went something like this:

Me:  Hey, wake up.  We need to make a Pinewood Derby car from a block of wood that won't embarrass us in front of the other dads.

Artisan:  So, let me get this straight -- you've got a block of wood and you want a car.

Me:  Well, yes.  That's the basic idea.

Artisan:  Okay, so put the wheels on it and let your kid paint it.  Why do you have to bother me with these things?

Me:  Ah, well... I was hoping for a bit more than a boxcar.  You know, shape the wood, sand it, paint it all fancy, put graphite on the wheels to make it fast -- that sort of a thing.

Artisan:  It sounds like you know what you're doing, so I'm going back to sleep now.

Me:  No no no.  I have an idea of what needs to be done, but if I try to do this myself It'll be a complete disaster.  You've gotta help me.

Artisan:  And you think I'll do a better job?

Me:  Yes.  Absolutely.  I mean, you are the inner artisan.

Artisan:  Yes, but I'm inside you.

Me:  What's that supposed to mean?

Artisan:  Let me put it this way, I can only be as good as the raw material with which I have to work.

Me:  Hey!  Are you comparing me to raw material?!

Artisan:  Sorry, you're right of course.  That is unfair to raw materials everywhere.  I mean, at least they can eventually produce a useful product.

Me:  Ouch.

Artisan:  The truth hurts.  Don't blame me.

Me:  Shut up and go back to sleep.

Artisan:  No problem.  I never really woke up anyway -- you see I'm just a figment of your imagination...

...

Sorry kid, I think you're pretty much on your own.

07 March 2011

A Mathematical Miracle

According to the U.S. Census Bureau's World Population Clock (http://www.census.gov/main/www/popclock.html), there are
6,904,359,382 people in the world right now.


According to Internet World Stats (http://www.internetworldstats.com/stats.htm), as of June 30, 2010 there are 1,966,514,816 Internet Users in the world.  That's about two people with internet access for every seven people on Earth.


As tracked by BlogPulse, there are 126 million blogs on the Internet.  Ignoring the fact that many bloggers have multiple blogs, approximately one of every sixteen internet users is a blogger.


These statistics alone are not awe-inspiring.  What is amazing, however, is that of the nearly seven billion people on earth, YOU, a one-in-two-billion-person, were able to find this one-in-one-hundred-twenty-six-million blog!


We are both fortunate beyond measure that the fates have aligned to overcome these incomprehensible odds.  Call it fate, call it destiny, call it what you will, it was meant to be.


Now, considering the grandeur of this moment -- one which I am sure will be treasured by your great-great-great-great grandchildren -- wouldn't you feel ashamed to leave this page before leaving a comment to immortalize the occasion?  


Seize the moment!
Comment or DIE.



What Type of Person are You?

There are only two types of people in the world.

Chances are you are one of them.

06 March 2011

Miniature Sunday School Guest

Today during church my three-year-old was having some separation anxiety and begged me to stay with him in Primary.  I told him I would stay for a bit, but I had a class to go to also.  Every few minutes I tried to convince him he would be okay with his teacher and it was time for me to go.  Unconvinced, he would tell me in his sweet little voice, “I need you, Daddy.”  This of course melted my heart each time and bought him a few more minutes.

After about twenty minutes, I decided he needed a gentle ultimatum.  I leaned down and whispered in his ear that I had to go to class now and he could stay in his happy fun Primary class with his wonderful teacher, or come to Sunday School with me, which was boring for children.  Once he realized I would not be convinced to stay in Primary with him, he opted to accompany me to Sunday School.

Since we were markedly late, the only seats available were in the very front of the class.  I escorted my son to the bench and we sat down.  Unsurprisingly, he wasn’t even able to pull off a pretense of calm for more than about fifteen seconds.  As his wiggling became more obvious and chatter louder, I leaned down and reminded him he needed to be very quiet and reverent.  

Apparently he had hit his limit, and demanded VERY loudly, “Why we gotta be in dis boring class anyway?!”

*sigh*

I guess I brought that one on myself. 

The Zoo: Always an Educational Experience

"Hey Dad, can we go see the otters now?"
"Ohhhh...I don't have a good feeling about this."



 "Look there's one in the water."
"Awwww, how cute."



"Oh, and another up there by the otter house!"


...uh...

"Hey Dad, did you see..."

"Um, Dad..."

"Daddy, is that his..."

"Okay kids, time to go look at the lions now!

...

Totally G-rated Lion Shot -- *whew*
...

"So kids, what was your favorite part about the zoo?"

"He he, I liked the part where..." 
"Quiet!  We're not supposed to talk about that."

...

"I was afraid this would end badly."

04 March 2011

Glorious Man-Made Bull Attemps to Jump Over the Moon -- Fails


Well sorta.  Actually, early this morning a Taurus XL rocked carrying NASA’s Glory satellite launched from Vandenberg Air Force Base.  It was going on a three-year mission to study aerosols in the atmosphere and how they affect Earth’s climate.  I say “was” because it had separation issues and now, according to NASA launch director Omar Baez, "Indications are that the satellite and rocket ... is in the southern Pacific Ocean somewhere."  That's NASAeese for EPIC FAIL.

Fortunately, you scientific aficionado types don’t have to worry.  The failed $424 million mission is scheduled to be repeated in 2013.  Here’s the really good news though, I’ve been indoctrinated from a very early age to know that aerosols poke a hole in the ozone layer, cause global warming, contribute to political corruption, and drown puppies and kittens by the bagful.  There, now you don’t need another satellite so you can save yourself the two-year prep time and three-year study time.  

As if saving you five years isn’t generous enough, I will only charge half-price for my knowledge.  NASA, feel free to send my $212 million via check, moneyorder, direct deposit or PayPal.  Heck, I’m not picky.  I just need the money so I can build my militaristic compound before the chlorofluorocarbons begin the prophesied zombie pandemic and my neighbors try to eat my brains.



03 March 2011

Do Your Part -- Recycle Yourself

Thursday is trash day.  The day I contemplate how much refuse my household generates.  It does make me feel a bit better that California recycles practically everything that can conceivably be recycled.  The CRV kinda stinks though.  Oh well, “doing our part,” right?

One thing that does bug me though is the whole humans causing global warming bit espoused by the ecoreligionists.  I think it’s fairly egotistical to think we are having that big of an effect on the earth’s climate. 

Was it also our fault that there isn’t an ice age anymore?  Maybe it is.  Perhaps I’m looking at this all wrong.  Maybe time is circular and some decades into the future we figure out a way to reverse global warming and induce global cooling.  Then everything gets out of hand and we create a new ice age.  Then we all die and turn into petroleum.  Our decomposition starts a slow global warming process and the ice age ends in time for us to start coming around again much later to complain about running out of petroleum and overheating the planet.  Shame on us.  Didn’t we learn anything the first time around?  If we don’t stop existing now, we are ecoterrorists and mother nature will declare jihad on us.

Yep, that’s probably much more accurate.  I’m glad to finally get to the bottom of that mess.  Oh, and if this seems like a bunch of rambling nonsense to you that’s because global warming is melting your brain.


This is your brain. 



This is your brain on global warming. 

Any questions?



Yes, you in the back.
 
Why does your brain look like a chicken egg?
 
Because you’re an ecoterrorist.  
Now hurry up and turn into petroleum.


...

02 March 2011

Because It's Wednesday

Wednesday and February.

Go ahead, pronounce them like they're spelled. 

WED-NES-DAY


FEB-RU-ARY

But do it in private or people will laugh at you and then probably steal your lunch money.  Probably.

English is weird.

01 March 2011

An Interview with Charlie Sheen

Reporter:  "Charlie, is it true that..."

Charlie: "I'm not into drugs. I was bangin' seven-gram rocks and finishing them because that's how I roll, because I have one speed, one gear. [I survived] because I'm me. I'm different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man. Dying's for fools, dying's for amateurs."

Reporter: "Okay, that's good to know.  So, is it true that..."

Charlie: "Look, I'm just high on life.  I'm on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."


Reporter: "... I can see how that would be unfortunate.  Back to my question though, is it true that..."


Charlie: "I got magic and I got poetry in my fingertips.  I didn't threaten her."

Reporter: "Ah...who?"

Charlie: "Women are not to be hit. They're to be hugged and caressed ... She was attacking me, though, with a small fork — like a cocktail fork. And she had it with her; that was the weird part. What was she doing with, like, a shrimp fork in her purse? She stole it, clearly. From a buffet."

Reporter: "Charlie, I'd like to get us back on track here..."

Charlie: "I expose people to magic. I expose people to something they'll never experience in their boring normal life!"

Reporter: "Okay, why don't we take five, Charlie.  You can relax and get a Coke or something."

Charlie: "I don’t believe myself to be an addict. I really don’t. I think that I just ignore or smash or finally dismiss a model that I think is rooted in vintage balderdash, you know? For lack of a better word."

Reporter: "A soda, Charlie, not Cocaine.  No drugs, Charlie. Do you want a soda?  Because I'm going to walk around the corner there.  You can't see it from here, but there is a soda machine back there and I'd be happy to get you one. I'll only be gone a minute."

Charlie: "What, you think I need drugs? I'm not bipolar, I'm bi-winning. I win here and I win there."

Reporter: "Listen, Charlie, I'm not sure what you're talking about, but apparently you do; so perhaps you could explain..."

Charlie: "You can't process me with a normal brain.  I'm an F-18 bro and I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordnance to the ground.  Now shut up and lick my foot."

27 February 2011

New Wipes

So we're testing these new baby wipes my wife made with coffee filters. No, we don't drink coffee, but the filters are cheap and great for covering food in the microwave, using to put snacks in for the kids, and a variety of other things... but I digress.

The "wipes" are hard to separate and smear around poop more than wipe it off the rear of a squirming child.  Oh, and the poop smell leaks straight through them onto your hand. Come to think of it, isn't that pretty much what the filters were designed for, letting liquid through?.  How do I know the smell makes it through?  Let me just say this:  Distilled poop juice on your fingers will not wash off with the first scrubbing.  If you were unfortunate enough to assume it would, just don't pick your nose anytime soon

22 February 2011

Shower Stalkers

Good Evening Bloggity World.  Let me introduce you to Hairy, Curly, and Mo-curly.  I met them this morning.

20 February 2011

Holy Mackerel!

Late this afternoon the older kids were getting ready to make cookies with their mom, the twins were in their high chairs snacking on green beans (one of their favorites), and baby princess had just finished nursing.  It was an ideal time for me to beg a nap off my wife.  To her credit she let me fade to the bedroom with no fuss whatsoever.

Fast forward an hour or two.

My wife woke me up to help with the screaming twins.  No problem.  When my wife lets me nap I feel like doing anything for her, so it didn’t bother me a bit to stumble out of bed in an I-just-woke-up-to-screaming-toddlers fog.

As I cleaned bean carnage off little hands and faces, I noticed the other children were starting to run amuck.  Then when my nine-year-old wandered close enough I saw that crazy glint in his eyes.  You know the one.  The glint that says I’ve got a pent up gang of howler monkeys up here just about to bust out, climb the furniture, fling poop, and of course howl.  Clock check.  Yep, it was already past dinner time.  They needed some stabilizing protein stat.

While perusing the pantry, I found some cans of mackerel.  Aha, quick protein!  I knew my kids wouldn’t eat it plain (can you say cold dead boney fish on a fork five times fast?), so I Googled “canned mackerel recipes.”  As usual, the internet was full of ideas from fancy exotic to downright weird.  I settled on one that looked rather uncomplicated and promising.  I sautéed some onions and a pinch of red pepper flakes, mixed up the mackerel well enough to hide the fact that it contained bones and skin, and added it to the onions.  Heat, sprinkle with fresh ground pepper, serve on rice, and Voilà – dinner is served.

I gathered my hungry children to the table, served their food, and was rewarded with a heartwarming string of compliments like:

“Ugh.  Can I have a drink of milk?”
“Um… I think I’m done.  I’m not full, but I’m done eating.”
“Ew…Does this have mushrooms in it?”
“I had three bites.  Can I be done now?”

One of the twins laughed at me when I tried to feed him a second bite; and his brother closed his mouth, turned his head and looked at me with sad don’t-you-love-me-anymore? eyes.

Now I have to admit the food wasn’t what I would classify as tasty; but it was definitely palatable…if you were hungry enough (which for my kids was apparently closer to starving-in-the-desert-and-having-to-choose-between-mackerel-surprise-and-rotting-lizard-entrails hungry, than being-two-hours-late-for-dinner hungry).

Even my wife, my nursing-a-newborn and always ravenous wife, explained with apparent sincerity that she actually felt quite full at the moment and would have to pass on the dinner offering.

Oh well.  At least I got a nap.


14 February 2011

Should this Post have a Rating?

I had a dream last night.  

I was standing in the living room and watched my five-year-old squat in the dining room, angle, and birth a six-foot-long turd like a salmon slowly jumping up a waterfall in a National Geographic special.  

The steaming monstrosity gently settled to the floor, resting its forward-most section on the living room carpet.  Just before the icky-shiver, which was convulsing through my body, reached the heart of my soul, I had my first coherent thought.  Do you know what it was?

I’ve got to take a picture and blog this.

Visualize trying to convince your recently violated kindergartner to lie down next to a log of human-waste twice as tall as him.  He was in no way consoled when I pointed out to him that he must feel MUCH better now.

Well, there you go bloggity world.  Rest assured that if I ever witness something so unnatural that it offends our very sense of humanity, you’ll be able to read all about it shortly on the internet.

Oh, and Happy Valentine’s Day.

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