30 August 2006

The Power of Priceless Junk

It’s just what you never knew you needed but must have because it’s such a great deal. It speaks to you at a level no one else can truly understand. “Youuu need me,” it says in that suave foreign accent you can’t quite place but reminds you of somewhere sunny with an ocean view where everyone is wealthy and trim. Why do you need the three-slotted thingamajigger with optional whingding-a-ma-bopper? You finally purged the last item from your home, which could have been this one’s long lost twin, at your latest garage sale escapade. (You were asking for a dollar, but ultimately threw it in as a freebee to close the deal on a $2 sale of bird-watching binoculars you bought at a second-hand store a decade ago just in case you might ever need to use them… which you never did.) Well, you certainly didn’t set off to buy this item when you went shopping this morning, but this price is just too good to pass up.

You might conceivably need this sometime in the future, and it definitely won’t be this inexpensive then. No, most certainly not. If you don’t buy it now you will have to pay double or triple later. What if you can’t afford it then? What if aliens invade town tomorrow and take your favorite pet gerbil hostage, demanding one thingamajigger with optional whingding-a-ma-bopper for his safe return? What then, huh? Yes, you’ll be sorry you didn’t buy it today. Who knows, the item might even be sold out by then. If that’s the case, you may as well just kiss the little furry critter goodbye. Come on, isn’t the life of your rodent friend worth more than the meager price being asked for this one-of-a-kind item? “But of course I am,” injects the thingamajigger into your thoughts. “I am invaluable to you. You cannot resist me. Buy me.”

So you buy the thingamajigger with optional whingding-a-ma-bopper. No, you buy two (in case one gets lost or broken and you won’t be able to replace it later for this cheap). Sadly, you have succumbed to the wooing of the worthless soon-to-be-clutter. No one was there to remind you of the following facts: It’s on clearance for a reason – no one in their right mind would buy it. It’s at a rock-bottom price for a reason – no one in their right mind would buy it. It’s still sitting on the shelf even after being on rock-bottom-clearance price for a reason – no one in their right mind would buy it. Oh ye of muddled brain. Now you have to go buy the whatchamacallit container (on sale today only) to store your new stuff until that far-off imaginary day when it will suddenly and magically become useful.

"I will live with you forever... under your bed, in your closet, in the back of a drawer; invading wherever and whatever I wish. There is nothing you can do to stop me. You are under my power. You are mine. Do not even try to escape me. Resistance is futile. After all, you paid good money for me. Mu hu ha ha ha!"

20 August 2006

Modern Education

Lately my two-year-old daughter (G.) has decided that it is perfectly acceptable to scale her gate at night and tumble, flop, or otherwise awkwardly land on the outside in order to escape bedtime. You see bedtime lives only in her room, and once free of this unforgiving taskmaster that demands all her time she can run, play, giggle, and harass siblings as she sees fit.

Well tonight, after thinking I had the girl well on her way to sleepyland, I was lying next to my four-year-old son (Pookie) when the otherwise pacified boy suddenly said, “come on in, G.” And yes, there she was standing at his gate (having made an apparently uneventful and silent dismount from her gate). At this point I returned her to her bedroom, and sensing a long night of “musical rooms” ahead for me, I went downstairs to enlist the help of my caring wife. She was busy with something at the moment so we talked and it was five or ten minutes before she ascended the stairs to assist with the situation. Very shortly thereafter, she thumped for me to come to her.

You see, like the cave-men of old, we use a rudimentary thumping system in our home to signal each other when it would be ineffective or inopportune to call out. It consists of pounding on the floor or wall with a knuckle, fist, foot or some other relatively solid bony appendage in a rhythmic pattern – thump, thump thump thump thump; thump thump. I interpreted this particular thumping to be somewhere above the lazily thumped, “hey, come on up when you have a minute sometime in the near future;” but well below the heart-stopping and wall rumbling thumps of, “get your sorry *** up here NOW before I have to punish you in a way that the mere memory of which will cause you to wake up at night in a cold sweat and panic for weeks to come.” But I digress, back to the story.

When I located my wife at the epicenter of the thumpage, she was standing outside Ethan’s room looking in with a mixture of mild exasperation and poorly-hid amusement. When I inquired as to why I had been summoned, she simply pointed to the far end of the room and turned on the overhead light to facilitate my viewing of the intended area. There, against the wall looking not at all ashamed sat G. and Pookie to either side of a two-foot by two-foot section of wall which had been cleanly stripped of all paint, roughly forming the shape of an imperial storm trooper’s helmet. At first I stared in disbelief, unsure that my eyes weren’t playing tricks on me this late at night. Then I was surprised to discover that I wasn’t even mad, just curious as to how in the world they had managed to accomplish such a task.

Naturally, it was my duty as a responsible father to explain to my wayward children why such an act was unwelcome and should not be repeated in the future. During the course of my impromptu lecture, I asked them why they had stripped the wall of its green paint, leaving an unsightly white void in the middle of his wall. In response, Pookie turned to me and said simply, “I taught G. how to do it. Daddy, I’m a teacher.” I wasn’t sure weather to be upset about the vandalism, frustrated that he didn’t feel sorry at all, or just pleased that he was filling his role as big brother and passing useful bits of knowledge on to his little sister. However, I think all that matters in the end is that my kids are finally sleeping. Ah, the incomparable joy of sleeping children.

06 August 2006

The Inevitable is an Unstoppable Force

November is not far off now. October is even closer.

Cold days await us. Overly cold nights will haunt us. Dakratland days are short in Winter. Dakratland nights overshadow the world of day. Everything is frozen in place. No, not the missileers. They must work to keep our country safe.


Nothing is of value except that which is worth something.
On every deserted island lives no man.
Contemporary is relative to one's perspective only.
Other than nothing everything else sure is something.
Many men have suffered in pain.
Munchies are useful for those times when your tongue is hungry but your stomach isn't.
Every dog has his day; but then again they can't tell anyone about it, so what's the point?
Never spit into the wind - you're likely to insult it.
Ten 'till, but not fifty past... why?


No One Can Overlook Many Moldy Eggs Near Them.


How long did it take you to figure out the word puzzle... or are you still trying?


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