31 January 2006

The Lady and the Fly

Okay, let me start by saying I have nothing against FlyLady. In fact, I fully support the ideals she attempts to instill in all who will listen. However, I simply cannot go one more day without asking the question that burns in the heart of every DH out there... why that name? Yes, I understand that FLY stands for Finally Loving Yourself, but couldn’t you find some other acronym, like FABULOUS (Faithfully Addicted Babysteppers Unconditionally Loving Ourselves & Unsoiled Sinks)?

Surely being Fabulous Lady (or Fab Lady for short) would be much better than an insect that is, “harmful either as carriers of disease or as destroyers of crops.” Unfortunately though, it gets worse. What are her followers called? FlyBabies. All right, just come out and admit it, you’re larva! The infant state of a fly, “which occupy a wide variety of ecological niches, typically require a moist environment such as rotting flesh, decaying fruit, or the internal organs of other animals.” Um, yuck. Beyond the obvious, have you ever associated a fly with something to which one ought to aspire? Doesn’t anyone remember The Fly? If you missed it, I think they even made a sequel. Nothing visually pleasing or spiritually stimulating, I assure you. Even Lord of the Flies, you know, the king of them all, the best of the best, is closer to a Greek Tragedy than an episode of Leave it to Beaver.

Whew, glad to get that off my chest and out in the open. Now I just hope it doesn’t buzz around and bite me in the…

13 January 2006

If you give a woman a ricecake...

If you give a woman a rice cake, she will probably ask for peanut butter and a plate.
When you spread creamy peanut butter on her rice cake she will sigh and say she really wanted crunchy.
Since she is hungry she will eat it now and let you go to the store for crunchy later.
After a few bites she will tell you she needs a glass of milk to help the rice cake go down.
When you bring her a glass of milk she will say it is too full, but will drink it anyway.
She will then hand you the empty plate and ask you to take it to the sink.
When you come back she will hand you the glass to take upstairs and ask you to wash it and the plate while you are in the kitchen.
When you come back down she will tell you that she might like just a little more milk.
After drinking the milk she will tell you she drank too much and feels sick.
Thinking about her sick stomach will make her wonder if the sleeping kids are okay.
She will ask you to go upstairs and make sure that they are still safe and breathing.
Since you will already be upstairs, she will ask you to bring down some chocolate for her because that will help her feel better.
When you bring her M&Ms it will remind her of her mom and she will ask you to go back upstairs to get the phone so she can call her.
When you tiptoe back downstairs with the phone so you don't wake the kids, you will probably startle her and she will scream because she was checking her email and didn't hear you coming.
When she screams at least one of the kids will stir and she will give you a dirty look for waking them.
The dirty look will remind her she is still upset for you scaring her and she will send you upstairs to calm the child.
When you come back downstairs she will be talking to her mom on the phone.
Talking to her mom will remind her that she is so far away.
Thinking about things that are far away will remind her that the crunchy peanut butter is far away at the store.
After she gestures madly and mouths some incomprehensible words, you will finally understand that she wants you to go to the store and buy crunchy peanut butter.
When you come home from the store she will ask to see the peanut butter to make sure you bought the right kind.
Seeing the peanut butter will make her hungry, and she will probably ask you for a rice cake to put it on.

01 January 2006

Feliz Año Nuevo

I stayed up past 2 a.m. last night (this morning) after Nikki, my wife, insisted on playing "just one more game" of Cities and Knights of Catan. Several times I caught myself staring blankly at one of my cards depicting a green-tinted sheep. Whenever a coherent thought did enter my head it had something to do with the sickly fellow and his friends jumping over a fence.

My kids woke me up several times during the night, and as I woke up early this morning for church with a severe case of impending brain implosion and mild body tremors, I was reminded of a new year tradition from Colombia where I served my mission.

In the days before January 1st, families will get together and construct a person from old clothes and such, then stuff him full of any kind of firework or explosive they can get their hand on for the occasion. They call this guy Año Viejo (Old Year) and parade him around on a donkey, if they have one available, for everyone to see. At the fateful moment, they douse the unlucky chap with gasoline then light a match and run. Anyway, I think I felt something like he must have the morning after the festivities. Happy New Year!


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