01 March 2011

An Interview with Charlie Sheen

Reporter:  "Charlie, is it true that..."

Charlie: "I'm not into drugs. I was bangin' seven-gram rocks and finishing them because that's how I roll, because I have one speed, one gear. [I survived] because I'm me. I'm different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man. Dying's for fools, dying's for amateurs."

Reporter: "Okay, that's good to know.  So, is it true that..."

Charlie: "Look, I'm just high on life.  I'm on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."

Reporter: "... I can see how that would be unfortunate.  Back to my question though, is it true that..."

Charlie: "I got magic and I got poetry in my fingertips.  I didn't threaten her."

Reporter: "Ah...who?"

Charlie: "Women are not to be hit. They're to be hugged and caressed ... She was attacking me, though, with a small fork — like a cocktail fork. And she had it with her; that was the weird part. What was she doing with, like, a shrimp fork in her purse? She stole it, clearly. From a buffet."

Reporter: "Charlie, I'd like to get us back on track here..."

Charlie: "I expose people to magic. I expose people to something they'll never experience in their boring normal life!"

Reporter: "Okay, why don't we take five, Charlie.  You can relax and get a Coke or something."

Charlie: "I don’t believe myself to be an addict. I really don’t. I think that I just ignore or smash or finally dismiss a model that I think is rooted in vintage balderdash, you know? For lack of a better word."

Reporter: "A soda, Charlie, not Cocaine.  No drugs, Charlie. Do you want a soda?  Because I'm going to walk around the corner there.  You can't see it from here, but there is a soda machine back there and I'd be happy to get you one. I'll only be gone a minute."

Charlie: "What, you think I need drugs? I'm not bipolar, I'm bi-winning. I win here and I win there."

Reporter: "Listen, Charlie, I'm not sure what you're talking about, but apparently you do; so perhaps you could explain..."

Charlie: "You can't process me with a normal brain.  I'm an F-18 bro and I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordnance to the ground.  Now shut up and lick my foot."

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