Reporter: "Charlie, is it true that..."
Charlie: "I'm not into drugs. I was bangin' seven-gram rocks and finishing them because that's how I roll, because I have one speed, one gear. [I survived] because I'm me. I'm different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man. Dying's for fools, dying's for amateurs."
Reporter: "Okay, that's good to know. So, is it true that..."
Charlie: "Look, I'm just high on life. I'm on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."
Reporter: "... I can see how that would be unfortunate. Back to my question though, is it true that..."
Charlie: "I got magic and I got poetry in my fingertips. I didn't threaten her."
Charlie: "Women are not to be hit. They're to be hugged and caressed. ... She was attacking me, though, with a small fork — like a cocktail fork. And she had it with her; that was the weird part. What was she doing with, like, a shrimp fork in her purse? She stole it, clearly. From a buffet."
Reporter: "Charlie, I'd like to get us back on track here..."
Charlie: "I expose people to magic. I expose people to something they'll never experience in their boring normal life!"
Reporter: "Okay, why don't we take five, Charlie. You can relax and get a Coke or something."
Charlie: "I don’t believe myself to be an addict. I really don’t. I think that I just ignore or smash or finally dismiss a model that I think is rooted in vintage balderdash, you know? For lack of a better word."
Reporter: "A soda, Charlie, not Cocaine. No drugs, Charlie. Do you want a soda? Because I'm going to walk around the corner there. You can't see it from here, but there is a soda machine back there and I'd be happy to get you one. I'll only be gone a minute."
Charlie: "What, you think I need drugs? I'm not bipolar, I'm bi-winning. I win here and I win there."
Reporter: "Listen, Charlie, I'm not sure what you're talking about, but apparently you do; so perhaps you could explain..."
Charlie: "You can't process me with a normal brain. I'm an F-18 bro and I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordnance to the ground. Now shut up and lick my foot."