Pirates: The Dark Truth

My five-year-old son (Bun) bought a pirate costume at a yard sale today.  A little girl got to the sword and spyglass first, so the outfit is short a couple of accessories.  On that note, Bun was describing the things he still needed to be a real pirate.

Bun: Daddy, do I look like a real pirate?

Me: Yes.  You look like a great pirate.

Bun: Only I need an eye patch and a bird to tie to my shoulder.

Me: You mean a parrot like a pirate might have?

Bun: Yes. And, Daddy?

Me: Yes, Bun?

Bun: I am the only pirate that brushes his teeth.

Me: That’s a very good pirate.

Bun: Yeah.  You know, pirates don’t ever brush one of their teeth.

Toddler Lingo

Recently, we've been teaching about the truth and lying during family home evening.  The oldest three indicated they understood, and my three-year-old son seemed to grasp the general concept -- lies are bad -- so we were happy with our progress.


Then yesterday morning after my son got out of the shower, I wrapped a towel around him to dry off and stay warm.  The towel kept slipping off his shoulders, and he was getting seriously frustrated.  Finally, he exploded with the foulest language he could think of: "Towels are a LIE!"

Easter Bunny Elves

We had a mini just-for-fun egg hunt today.  Each kid got three plastic eggs and a couple foil covered eggs.  After my three-year-old son had finished stuffing the last bit of chocolate in his mouth, he came into the kitchen where I was helping my seven-year-old daughter get a drink of water.  We had the following conversation:

Boy (speaking around a mouthful of chocolate): I need more eggs.

Me: You ate all the candy?

Boy (swallowing): Yeah.  I need more eggs now.

Me: That’s all for tonight.

Boy: But I need more eggs!

Me: You have to wait. The Easter Bunny will bring you more eggs on Easter.

Boy: Where he is?

Me: What?

Boy: Where is de Easter Bunny?

Me: Oh. He’s probably getting his eggs ready for Easter.

Boy (eyes glowing with delight): I can help him!

Me: Er, we don’t know where he is.

Boy: But maybe we could…

Girl (who is already convinced she is smarter than my wife and me combined): I know what you’re going to say.

Boy (confused): What?

Girl: That we can use the GPS.

Boy: What?

Girl: We can use the GPS to find the Easter Bunny.  Then you can help him with the eggs.

Boy: Yes, that!

Maybe they're onto something here.  I mean Santa has elves, but the Easter Bunny doesn't get any helpers.  Heck, he doesn't even have opposable thumbs.

A photo may be worth a thousand words, but some bring just one to mind: "huh?"

 EMERGENCY EXIT

If you exit, it will be an emergency

 PLEASE NO DIAPERS IN TOILET

Because nobody wants to fish that out

SALE -- 60% OFF!

Quantity, not price

How to Make a Paper Airplane

Alternate Title:  How to keep your boys busy with an inexpensive and interactive craft.  

Or you.

No one has to know if you are watching this so you can make your own paper airplane.  Go ahead -- live a little.  Everybody's doing it.

Ignore the Obvious and Humor the Inquisitive

If you could go back in time (a random date, not of your choosing) and take only one thing with you (other than your clothing), what would it be?

Inside Jokes. Because they make life more fun.

“The pulse is in the toilet, but not for long.”

“Crack you like an emesis basin.”

“The circus elephant has lost its way.”

“Two chubby mice.”

WARNING:  If you are not Nikki and actually laughed at any of these, you are clinically bereft of personal contact with other living beings.  Go hug a kitten.

ANOTHER WARNING IN CAPITAL LETTERS SO YOU THINK IT IS SERIOUS AND LEGITIMATE:  If you are Nikki and didn’t laugh at any of these, you may be suffering from a temporary case of defectum humoris.  Do not worry, it is not serious if treated promptly by alternately watching The New World and Galaxy Quest until you are once again able to chuckle.  Or snort.  Snorting is good too.

Let's play the "Guess What This is Game"

Can you guess what the pictures are?

Hint: They're in order from easiest to hardest.  Probably.

Photo Number One (1)

Photo Number Two (2)

Photo Number (3)

Give it your best shot.  Good luck.  Break a leg.  Or maybe just a toe or two for those of you who aren't fully committed, but will give it a shot anyway on the off chance that you're right and there is an undisclosed cash prize for the first person to guess all three correctly.  Just don't promise to share your winnings with a waitress.  Or, for that matter, Nicolas Cage.  He doesn't need it anyway.

I love the smell of bile in the evening

My 5-year-old son wasn’t feeling well this evening and complained he felt like puking, but just couldn’t throw up.  I set him up in bed with a book to look at and a bowl to puke in should he not be able to make it to the toilet.  I further instructed him on how to position his head above the bowl in the event of pukage so as to avoid spillover.

Consequently, it wasn’t a huge surprise when he returned not long thereafter.  “Daddy, I puked in the toilet, and there was so much that it couldn’t all fit in the toilet!” he happily declared.

sigh

I glanced at my wife.  Nope.  This one would be all mine.

When I entered the bathroom to check the splatter factor, I found that a more correct statement from my blessed child would have been, “Daddy, I puked in the toilet, and there was so much that I was able to start at the end furthest from the toilet and still get some in the toilet!”

double sigh

Dakrat’s Definitions #872

You call it beating a dead horse.  I call it postmortem advice.  You’re welcome.

After you read this, you'll wonder why you did

Someone much wiser than myself, whom I have subsequently forgotten, once told me, "never do something once in your marriage that you don't want to do the rest of your life."  Unfortunately, the advice came much too late for me.

Why do I bring this up?  That's an excellent question.  I'm glad you asked.  Because of course I wouldn't have continued otherwise.  I would have just ended my post right then and there.  That's really all I had to say about the matter.  Two sentences.  And now I have ten.

Favorite New Word

I always enjoy General Conference weekend.  Also, thanks to Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's Sunday afternoon session talk, I have a favorite new word.  What is it?  I'm glad you asked.


Bedlamites

Around the Bloggity World ...in 80 Clicks?

IMPORTANT UPDATE: Shortly after leaving a starting comment on a few blogs, when I tried to return to my blog I got a "blog removed" message.  I can only assume this is in some way associated with this post and/or the comments I left.  Fortunately I was able to jump through some hoops and restore my blog.  Nevertheless, I caution anyone who got my comments against passing the comment along.  Sorry for any inconvenience -- it seemed like a good idea.  Oh well.

The Next Blog Experiment

Goal:  

Find out how long it takes and how many blogs cycle through before someone’s next blog click links back to Hole in the Earth.

Each comment will start this way:

Greetings!  … and my condolences.  Unfortunately, I am not the deposed prince of Nigeria with a lucrative offer for you.  You have not been randomly selected from millions of blogs for a very special offer.  And Bill Gates does not want to share his fortune with you.
However, I did click on the “Next Blog” button on my blog (holeintheearth.blogspot.com), and the super secret squirrel bloggity code algorithms sent me to you.

I’m performing an internet speed test.  Well sort of anyway.  I’m checking to see how long it will take to get a comment back from someone who finds me through the “Next Blog” feature.  I’m leaving a comment on whatever blog pops up when I click the “Next Blog” button (that’s your blog).

Now, your part is to copy this comment, click on the Next Blog button at the top of your blog, paste the comment on whatever blog loads, and add your blog to the bottom of the list below.  Make sure to check in and leave your link at the Around the Bloggity World in 80 Clicks page, including the date and your blog number in the Name field.

Where has the Next Blog button been?

1.  holeintheearth.blogspot.com

2.  (your blog)

Note: As this will be started on multiple blogs, don't worry if you see another blog logged with your same number -- just be happy you are not alone.

Google's Breakthrough Technology

If you weren't already aware, Google puts a good deal of effort into developing some cutting edge technology they announce around (exactly) this time of year.  Just go to their homepage and check out the Gmail Motion link.  Or click on where I typed Gmail Motion link in the previous sentence.  Or that second time I typed it.  Or the link below, or...

http://mail.google.com/mail/help/motion.html