The Advertising Line
The HoMEDICS Neck and Shoulder Massager (with heat) promises, “an invigorating massage that provides soothing heat right where you need it most. The massager flexes to comfort your neck and shoulders – allowing you to sit back and indulge in a relaxing massage.”
THE TRUTH HURTS
I bought the massager for my wife as one of her birthday gifts. She had been suffering from a stiff, sore neck, and I thought something like this would be perfect to help her relax those tense muscles. The unfortunate reality is it did anything but.
My wife tried it out and didn’t like it. I tried it out and didn’t like it. I also felt it would be a disservice to humanity if I didn’t warn my fellow Earth dwellers that it is really a malevolent mind control device designed by super intelligent mutant moles who throughout their lives have suffered from mankind’s cruelty at the hands of jackhammer operators who literally rocked their world… and not in a good way.
The “invigorating massage” was less of a massage and more of a high-frequency vibration. Think of your cell phone sitting happily on the dresser without a care in the world, then vbRRRRRrrrrRRRRrrr – it jitters toward the edge and certain doom. I always assumed it was the intense vibration causing the phone to move like that. I was wrong. In fact, cell phones have become so advanced that they now experience a low form of self awareness. When you put the phone on vibrate its innards get violently shaken about so fast that all it can think about is somehow making it to the edge, toppling over the precipice and ending it all. It – just – can’t – take – it – anymore.
This is the same sensation you can purchase in a box with the HoMEDICS Neck and Shoulder Shake-your-eyeballs-in-their-sockets-so-fast-everything-goes-blurry-and-you-want-to-curl-up-in-a-ball-and-vomit-then-pass-out Massager.
Yes, you too can pay good money for that experience.
Fortunately, you don’t need to pay anything. To duplicate this phenomenon in the comfort of your own home all you have to do is cross your eyes as hard as you can until you feel a headache is inevitable, you are disoriented and queasy; then while remaining cross-eyed, violently shake your head side to side as you jump in the air and spin in circles as fast as you can. You will know you have achieved the desired result when you crash to the ground head-first and puke a little bit in your mouth. You swallowed it back down, didn’t you? Gross.
On a lighter note, the heating bit actually works as advertised. The only problem is that the unit is so bulky that if you try and sit back to relax, your neck will be shoved forward at such an angle as to not only nullify any soothing effects, but actually worsen the pain. Oh, and if you sit up it falls away and loses contact with your neck, so all it becomes is gaudy neck jewelry… with a trailing AC adapter plugged into the wall. You saw the picture.
This is not a fashion trend I expect will become faddish anytime soon.
THE POINT TO THIS WHOLE POST is that I could have saved myself time, money, and discomfort by simply doing a Google search, finding the product at Wall-Mart and reading the unhappy reviews. Here are some of my favorite quotes:
“After we tried it...we agree that it wasnt worth it because the vibration was soo hard that it made our brains go crazy. Now we're getting a headache if we choose to use it.”
“It was clutzy.
Didn't form in a comfortable position.
The HEAT button didn't work...so it
had NO heat.
I returned it to Wal Mart for refund.
Had no problem doing so.
It is something I would NOT suggest
to anyone to buy.
Cheap and very un-comforatble”
“We both were so excited about the product thinking it would work beautifully. It does vibrate and is very loud around the ears so hard to hear persons talking or the tv sounds.”
“This was ok if you like your head to be shaken off of your neck!! I had a headache and felt nauseated for quite a while after trying this for just a minute or two. Impossible to relax with this. The heat isn't noticeable! It only has two settings, low and high. Even low is not comfortable!! Don't waste your money. It is pretty stiff too, so it doesn't conform to your neck very well, either”
And it goes on…
Bottom line: If you are a masochist (or sadist that likes gift-giving), run out and buy two TODAY. If you are an activist, write Al Gore and tell him to forget “global warming,” we’ve got a bigger problem on our hands. If you have sympathy for the human condition but simply don’t care enough to motivate yourself to take an active part in the struggle against 21st Century over-the-counter torture devices, blog about it. Otherwise, if you are a normal person, just don’t buy one.