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14 March 2008

Everything you didn’t know you needed to know about Easter Candy


First let me say that no, this is not an advertisement for Cadbury or any other candy company. Rather, this is an all inclusive list of the ancient secret plans for Easter candy purchase and consumption used by the Pharaohs and other Demi-Gods which ensured their continued power and health throughout the coming year. Okay, that’s a complete fabrication. It’s just a list of stuff you should know about the proper way to go into insulin shock this Easter, grouped by product type for your perusing pleasure.

Cadbury Mini Eggs
Always purchase in bulk. Avoid the dark chocolate and stick with the milk chocolate. If you crave dark chocolate look for something without a candy coating like Dove chocolates. Use enough self control to squirrel some eggs away for those desperate cravings you’ll get throughout the coming months as you go through classic Cadbury Mini Egg withdrawal symptoms. You will be doing your family and society at large a huge favor. Stimulate the economy by buying more stuff and spare the world from your personal Mr. Hyde who has gone a week without his Cadbury Mini Egg fix.

Cadbury Mini Eggs may be eaten by nibbling off the shell and attacking the inner chocolaty goodness in any manner you please. Other favored eating styles include lightly sucking the candy to nothingness and savoring every moment of the experience, or just chewing ravenously so you can be finished with the current mouthful in the same time as it takes you to move your hand from your mouth down to the open prepositioned 5 lb bag sitting next to you and back to your mouth.

Cadbury Eggs (full size)
Go ahead and buy one or two. While far too rich to eat in succession like their solid chocolate miniature counterparts, a basket of Easter candy would be sorely lacking without this decadent treat.

Peeps
Peeps are an Easter novelty food and not necessarily a WOW candy. Buy them because it is the only time you can eat something that looks like a colorful, small, furry, cuddly, harmless creature without any pang of guilt (other than regretting the subsequent and inevitable blood sugar crash).

The best way to consume this unwary confection is to pop the critters in the microwave and watch them grow. Be careful not to leave them in too long, which can cause undue work from messy melting and/or explosions. Nuke them only long enough for them to roughly double or triple in size, cracking and expanding in a most satisfactory manner. As an added note, don’t make the mistake of roasting them over an open flame as the sugar coating will burn and entirely ruin the experience for you. (Unless of course you just like the idea of torturing innocent little marshmallow creatures and burning them at the stake – you sicko.)

Jelly Beans
Don’t go with cheap nasty stuff. Why? Well, because it’s cheap and nasty. Just don’t go there. If you’re looking for something refreshingly fruity, try Starburst brand jelly beans. If you want to pay a bit more, Jelly Belly brand jelly beans contain a wide variety of scrumptious flavors.

Chocolate Easter Bunny
Chocolate Easter Bunnies present somewhat of a dilemma. While young children will certainly appreciate them (they are chocolate after all), the resultant mess including likely clothing stains is not worth it. Older kids are a maybe. Boys are a good bet as they will probably enjoy biting off the ears first, laughing, and then viciously decapitating the poor earless fellow in one mammoth bite. As far as adults are concerned, unless they are a Easter enthusiast/purist, they will likely enjoy other candies more than a solid chocolate bunny that will stare at them forlornly while they nibble away at it on and off for days on end. Some might even question the concept of a chocolate bunny. Why does the Easter Bunny do this anyway? Santa’s in on this scheme too you know. But where’s my chocolate tooth fairy? Melted under my pillow when I was younger? Too many unanswered questions here my friend. Too many secrets.

Easter Colored M&Ms
Actually, forget what color they are – buy M&Ms. Heck, throw in the 1 lb bag of red and green colored M&Ms you got from the after Christmas sale for $1.19. Sure the Easter Bunny might be offended, but Santa will be pleased; and lets face it Santa brings more gifts.

Random Candy
While off-season M&Ms are fine, don’t be fooled into thinking Easter is a dumping ground for all your leftover Halloween, Valentines Day, Christmas, and random piñata leftovers. After all, NO ONE wants to wake up Easter morning and find Circus Peanuts in their basket, or those generic black and orange wrapped Halloween taffies that taste oddly of peanut butter and threaten to tear your fillings out with each bite.

Seasonal Crap Candy
Avoid this bunch of constant disappointments. You know what I’m talking about, the generic brand of chocolate with mystery crunch inside that tastes like it is one part chocolate, seven parts wax and two parts soap. Or the pastel colored gum drops that don’t even taste as good as the sugar cubes people feed horses. Yes, they may be cheap, but don’t go there. Trust me on this one, don’t be that guy.

5 comments:

Piglet 26 said...

Yes Sir Dak Rat,
I can see that you have thoroughly studied the art of the Easter Candy, and I concur with your findings, particularly in the Cadbury Mini Egg Conclusions. Well Done, Well Done (Golf Clap as I shove 7 1/2 cadbury mini eggs in my mouth)

Mary said...

Peeps are only good for the torturing, not eating. Other than that, I concur with your assessments. Mmm, candy.

jvjw said...

I would never have thought about microwave zapping a marshmallow peep! When did you start that torture? (Sounds good, we'll have to try it!)

Mrs. Morty said...

So I have to take issue with the blatant lack of respect for the yummy candy confection known as Peeps. They are my favorite along with Robin Eggs. And it is very fun to watch them grow in the microwave :)

lizbit said...

Mmmm ... cadbury ... I love the picture. :)

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