What? I thought this blog was dead.

Welcome back

You probably don't care, but I'll tell you anyway (that way you will know that I am still alive)... The missile badge is back. Yes, that is a happy thing.

http://www.af.mil/news/story.asp?id=123101809

Everything you didn’t know you needed to know about Easter Candy

First let me say that no, this is not an advertisement for Cadbury or any other candy company. Rather, this is an all inclusive list of the ancient secret plans for Easter candy purchase and consumption used by the Pharaohs and other Demi-Gods which ensured their continued power and health throughout the coming year. Okay, that’s a complete fabrication. It’s just a list of stuff you should know about the proper way to go into insulin shock this Easter, grouped by product type for your perusing pleasure.

Cadbury Mini Eggs
Always purchase in bulk. Avoid the dark chocolate and stick with the milk chocolate. If you crave dark chocolate look for something without a candy coating like Dove chocolates. Use enough self control to squirrel some eggs away for those desperate cravings you’ll get throughout the coming months as you go through classic Cadbury Mini Egg withdrawal symptoms. You will be doing your family and society at large a huge favor. Stimulate the economy by buying more stuff and spare the world from your personal Mr. Hyde who has gone a week without his Cadbury Mini Egg fix.

Cadbury Mini Eggs may be eaten by nibbling off the shell and attacking the inner chocolaty goodness in any manner you please. Other favored eating styles include lightly sucking the candy to nothingness and savoring every moment of the experience, or just chewing ravenously so you can be finished with the current mouthful in the same time as it takes you to move your hand from your mouth down to the open prepositioned 5 lb bag sitting next to you and back to your mouth.

Cadbury Eggs (full size)
Go ahead and buy one or two. While far too rich to eat in succession like their solid chocolate miniature counterparts, a basket of Easter candy would be sorely lacking without this decadent treat.

Peeps
Peeps are an Easter novelty food and not necessarily a WOW candy. Buy them because it is the only time you can eat something that looks like a colorful, small, furry, cuddly, harmless creature without any pang of guilt (other than regretting the subsequent and inevitable blood sugar crash).

The best way to consume this unwary confection is to pop the critters in the microwave and watch them grow. Be careful not to leave them in too long, which can cause undue work from messy melting and/or explosions. Nuke them only long enough for them to roughly double or triple in size, cracking and expanding in a most satisfactory manner. As an added note, don’t make the mistake of roasting them over an open flame as the sugar coating will burn and entirely ruin the experience for you. (Unless of course you just like the idea of torturing innocent little marshmallow creatures and burning them at the stake – you sicko.)

Jelly Beans
Don’t go with cheap nasty stuff. Why? Well, because it’s cheap and nasty. Just don’t go there. If you’re looking for something refreshingly fruity, try Starburst brand jelly beans. If you want to pay a bit more, Jelly Belly brand jelly beans contain a wide variety of scrumptious flavors.

Chocolate Easter Bunny
Chocolate Easter Bunnies present somewhat of a dilemma. While young children will certainly appreciate them (they are chocolate after all), the resultant mess including likely clothing stains is not worth it. Older kids are a maybe. Boys are a good bet as they will probably enjoy biting off the ears first, laughing, and then viciously decapitating the poor earless fellow in one mammoth bite. As far as adults are concerned, unless they are a Easter enthusiast/purist, they will likely enjoy other candies more than a solid chocolate bunny that will stare at them forlornly while they nibble away at it on and off for days on end. Some might even question the concept of a chocolate bunny. Why does the Easter Bunny do this anyway? Santa’s in on this scheme too you know. But where’s my chocolate tooth fairy? Melted under my pillow when I was younger? Too many unanswered questions here my friend. Too many secrets.

Easter Colored M&Ms
Actually, forget what color they are – buy M&Ms. Heck, throw in the 1 lb bag of red and green colored M&Ms you got from the after Christmas sale for $1.19. Sure the Easter Bunny might be offended, but Santa will be pleased; and lets face it Santa brings more gifts.

Random Candy
While off-season M&Ms are fine, don’t be fooled into thinking Easter is a dumping ground for all your leftover Halloween, Valentines Day, Christmas, and random piñata leftovers. After all, NO ONE wants to wake up Easter morning and find Circus Peanuts in their basket, or those generic black and orange wrapped Halloween taffies that taste oddly of peanut butter and threaten to tear your fillings out with each bite.

Seasonal Crap Candy
Avoid this bunch of constant disappointments. You know what I’m talking about, the generic brand of chocolate with mystery crunch inside that tastes like it is one part chocolate, seven parts wax and two parts soap. Or the pastel colored gum drops that don’t even taste as good as the sugar cubes people feed horses. Yes, they may be cheap, but don’t go there. Trust me on this one, don’t be that guy.

Once There was a Snowman...

So, the unthinkable yet amazing happened this week -- the temperature rose above freezing! Granted, this did have some unfortunate side effects such as the melting of our once proud sentinel of a snowman into something... well, something less than he used to be.

When I arrived home after work to find this morphed snow sculpture standing in the middle of my front yard, I wasn't sure just what to do. Do I pretend that I don't notice anything odd so as to not make anyone think I am a perv? Do other people see what I see in which case I should go smash it to the ground right away? What would I say to console my betrayed and devastated children should they catch me trampling the snowman they gleefully helped me build just a few days before? What to do? Ignore or flatten? Then a third option popped into my mind releasing all thoughts of destruction and denial – photograph and blog. The sunshine will take care of the rest.

From personal experience…

Three foods to avoid in your world travels:

Relleno – rice soaked in pigs blood and deep fried to a burnt crisp inside cow intestine.
Acrid taste, but went down reasonably well. It’s the aftertaste you have to watch out for -- it was truly awful and didn’t go away for a full 24 hours.

Mystery Soup. Since I don’t know the “official” name for this dish, let’s just call it Mystery Soup à la boiled cubed cow hoof. It’s the texture coupled with a vivid imagination that gets you on this one. You see, the cubes are rather large and boiled to a rubbery jelly consistency. The combined result is nothing less than a culinary atrocity. The rubbery quality of the cube makes it impossible to bite, chew, or squish into smaller more manageable pieces (think of trying to chew a large chunk of latex). Meanwhile, the jelly-like property allows it to ooze around inside your mouth, coating all interior surfaces with a layer of foul tasting slime. To me, the experience was similar to trying to eat a very large slug with supernatural powers that allowed it to resist all attempts at dental masticating, all the while squishing from one corner of the mouth to the other, laughing at your vain effort and leaving behind its signature “snail trails.” Surprisingly I have not yet reached the worst part. Swallowing. At some point, you will reach the inevitable conclusion that there is no way (short of being lucky enough to have had green kryptonite fillings put in your teeth instead of the standard silver or white) to whittle down the slimy hoof chunk. Unfortunately, it is just large enough to trigger your gag reflex on the way down (like you needed more incentive to puke – you’re eating a deceased cow’s foot for goodness sake – do you even know where that thing has been?!) as you forcefully swallow it… again and again and again… until it finally clears your throat. Ugh. I was in a cold sweat by the time I finished my bowl of Mystery Soup.

Fried cutting of pigskin. Not to be confused with pork rinds, this delicacy (that’s what we call something most people find repulsive, right?) is a two-faced monstrosity like something Homer might have written about in the lliad…

“The monster, spawned in the very depths of Hades, rose from the festering lake of oil and reared its legendary two-faced head. One side beguiled the unwary adventurer with its gooey soft texture of boiled fat, dripping as though wounded from battle – an easy mark for the kill. Yet, the opposite face, separated by a layer of skin tough like the leather of a well cured shield, showed no such weakness. Coarse hairs, stiffened from the creatures time spent in the boiling cauldron that had helped transform it to this hideous state, protruded at disgusting angles, threatening to tear apart the throat of anyone who dared to do it battle.”

Nasty smell, hideous to look at, terrible to taste, and worse to swallow. Ouch. Yuck. Enough said.

Because I'm feeling Lazy. That's why.

Another link.

Less effort required on my part here folks, so I'm not feeling too bad about the whole deal.

This one is like those Energizer Bunny commercials where they start off showing a preview for the first show you have seen in a long time that actually looks like it might have promise, and then it happens -- the annoying bunny pops up with his "I'm cooler than you and I know it" sunglasses, endlessly beating on that cursed drum to signal the end of your fantasy. Ah well, at some level you must have known it was too good to be true anyway.

Along those lines, while the link below will take you to an outstanding movie trailer, be forewarned that there is no movie. Just the trailer. Actually, since the trailer is the movie, I guess there really is a movie. It's just very short... and looks like a trailer... for a movie... that doesn't exist. I think you get my point -- just go see for yourself. Then laugh. Laughing is good. Ha Ha. Ha.

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1770138

Random Thought Time

This random thought does not come to you from me, but from another source entirely -- the 2007 Miss Teen USA pageant. No, thought is too strong a word… perhaps open mouthed vocalizations of a mild brain spasm. Yeah, that seems more appropriate. If you don’t know what I’m talking about or haven’t seen Miss South Carolina in all her oratory glory, follow the link below. Viewer Beware: your IQ may drop a point or two during the video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OY8plOGLVeg

Life's Interludes

Due to inspection preparation at work, I have been working long hours (12-17 hour days) recently, so it was no surprise when I arrived home after midnight a week or so ago to find everyone sleeping. Nikki often waits up for me, but I had encouraged her to go to bed at a decent hour that night in order to get some much needed rest. As I quietly opened the front door (well, as quiet as you can open a door with hinges complaining about being worked in sub-zero temperatures), all I could think about was how wonderfully warm it was in the house. You see, the drive from work to home or vice versa is just long enough to freeze an average size humanoid to the core, but not quite long enough to allow the overwhelmed heater to do anything much more than blow super cooled air directly at your forehead so you don’t miss out on the fun of having an instant brain-freeze to accompany the rhythmic convulsing of your hypothermic body. Granted, we had not yet reached the -50 degree temperatures of late. In fact, in retrospect it was really rather balmy at -11 °F. Nonetheless, at the time it can truly be said that I felt cold. But I digress.

Upon closing the door, I pleasantly noted that it only took one forceful slam to fully engage the latch; as it often takes three or four tries before the door will stay fully shut and not just pretend to be completely shut and still open and close an inch or so when the wind or something else gives it a push or tug—much to the dismay of a disoriented and sleepy me who gets ejected from bed to “go find out who is trying to break into the house” (and do what I ask when someday I find the boogey-man crowbarring his way into my home? Stand there in my pajamas and stupidly stare at him, hoping that the red in my eyes is mistaken for anger and the drool escaping from my lethargic mouth identified as rabid foaming? Yes, he may very well run for his life, but it will more likely be the overwhelming smell of poopy diapers in the trash and potty training children’s “incidents” that cause him to flee than the less-than-intimidating figure he will find stumbling about in the dark entryway vainly attempting to secure the domicile so he can just go back to bed).

Now, while I am sure you are on the edge of your seat eagerly anticipating what menial task I will describe in detail next, due to the fact that it is getting late and what small portion of conscious grey matter I have left is desperately trying to communicate the fact to me that I am rambling incoherently, I will finally get to the point.

After I shut the door and turned on the light in the kitchen I was greeted with the odd sight of a milky white substance pooling out from under the portable dishwasher. Since this was not the usual state of things, I decided to investigate. I carefully rolled the dishwasher aside, revealing a much larger pool of the liquid which I quickly and correctly identified as milk (the milky white color being my first clue, and the empty soymilk container the second clue).

Something else peaked my interest at this point. First, it did not appear that the puddle (perhaps more appropriately regarded as small pond where geese flying south for the winter might have stopped to rest for a time) was comprised entirely of soymilk – it being too white and unscented for vanilla soymilk alone. And second, why were there two lids floating about instead of just one? Upon closer inspection, it became apparent that the second lid belonged to a gallon jug of skim milk which, much to my dismay, was not to be found in the fridge where it belonged nor anywhere in the kitchen for that matter. This mystery was short lived however as I discovered a second scene of the crime at the top of the stairs in front of my bedroom.

An empty milk jug sat unassumingly on the floor accompanied by a lidless sippy cup, which surprisingly was quite full of milk. It all became clear now. Bun had woken up at some point and likely requested a sippy of milk. His sleep deprived mother was apparently unresponsive to his middle-of-the-night-two-year-old needs, and the thirsty toddler decided to take matters into his own hands. Unfortunately, while he is a master of dragging drinks of choice from the fridge and removing sippy cup lids, he is still a novice drink pourer and sippy cup lid emplacer. I can just imagine the poor fellow first spilling milk about and sloshing through it in his footed pajamas until exhausting the source and then trying again with a second container. At some point, he probably got enough liquid in the sippy to satisfy him and I’m sure at that point he capped it only to have the lid pop off as he tried to get a drink—subsequently drenching his upper half. Somewhere in this process, he carted the milk jug upstairs and took another shot at quenching his thirst.

Sadly though, I believe that he never did get so much as a sip; evidenced by the fact that I found a full, lidless sippy in the bedroom doorway and an exhausted and thoroughly drenched Bun lying undressed down to the diaper on my bed. My heart went out to him as I noticed his disheveled state and that he had even tried to clean up some of the mess with the kitchen towel (which now lay soaked next to the sippy and jug upstairs). Do not fear, for this story does have a happy ending. Before calling FEMA and starting the cleanup effort, I retrieved the surviving sippy of milk, topped it with a clean lid and offered the drink to a grateful Bun.

I was amazed to realize that while the carpet sloshed under my feet and my blankets, sheets, pillow and bed were dripping wet, my dear wife lay sleeping perfectly contentedly a mere foot or so away from the Bun and his chaos. Five full-sized towels, one diaper, one set of pajamas, one new pillow and pillowcase, and several cloth diapers later I decided most of the damage had been contained and I could safely get a few hours of sleep before my alarm went off at 6 a.m. to start another adventure filled day in the land of inspection-prep and fatherhood.

I am grateful for these interludes to “normal” or routine life that help me remember that we are here on Earth to learn and grow. Even when we try and fail and try again until all our efforts are exhausted and we can not go on and it seems no one can help us, at the right moment the Lord will come along to help us clean up those messes we started to fix but hadn’t the power to finish alone.

Now you can call me Master Dakrat... but I prefer you don't

I just turned in the final papers for my last class. Whew.

One thing down, eighty billion to go.

Hey! Who put this stuff on my blog?

Things that make you say, “Huh?”

I was at a thrift store a short time ago looking for a computer desk (no luck there by the way) and ran across one of those oddities of life in this world that makes you stop and ask yourself the age old philosophical question, “Huh?”

“Huh?” is often mistakenly confused with its close relatives “What the…?” (or simply “Wha?”) and “Eh?” However, the latter two more aptly describe circumstances in which one is not sure what they have encountered and/or just heard about. “Huh?” is best reserved for times when one is quite certain they have a firm grasp on the reality and facts of the situation, but their mind fumbles futilely to conjure up any logical or reasonable explanation for why the item exists, deed was done, words were spoken, etc. Consider Caffeine Free Diet Coke for example: No caffeine, no sugar, aspartame aftertaste, yet people still buy it… huh?

Back to my original story – The item in question which produced the “huh?” response that day was a Marlboro two-piece running suit. Just how many packs of cigarettes do you have to smoke to earn enough Marlboro points to send in for your very own Marlboro two-piece running suit? Or if you don’t earn it and simply purchase it, does the Marlboro Company actually have that many fiercely loyal customers who are also addicted to running? I can just imagine the monthly meeting for the local chapter of Marlboro Runners.


Frank: “All right everyone, let’s make this quick. We only have the smokers’ lounge reserved for the next ten minutes and then we have to head back outside near the picnic table for the duration of the meeting. It’s 20 below out there so let’s do our best to wrap this up in the first ten minutes. Okay, first item on the agenda: thank you to everyone who showed up for last month’s run. It was a grueling quarter mile, but thanks to Jimmy, and the well planned smoking breaks every twenty minutes, the time seemed to just fly by. Also, I’m pleased to announce that Earl had a new personal best time – mainly because he forgot his oxygen tank at home and didn’t have its weight dragging him down like usual; but a personal best nonetheless. Oh, and while we’re on the subject, we’ll be accepting donations at the back as you leave for a small thank you gift for the emergency medical technicians who revived Earl at the finish line. We thought we lost you for a minute there, Earl!”

Earl: wheeze

Frank: “Okay, next subject. For safety reasons it was suggested and accepted unanimously that this month’s run consist of two laps around the hospital block. Since we can’t smoke directly in front of the building, please ensure all cigarettes are properly extinguished for the thirty feet before and after the main entrance. Yes, Dale, that means you too.”

Earl: wheeze

Frank: “No, Earl, I still haven’t been able to get any of the local medical supply centers to sponsor us and provide free oxygen tank recharging. However, the manager at Simon’s Brewery did say he might consider giving me a call sometime about our request for donations to fund the purchase of the latest Marlboro running suits.”

Earl: wheeze

Frank: “Yes, Earl, the top-of-the line ones that come with the oxygen backpack and cigarette holster as standard equipment.”

Earl: wheeze

Frank: “Sorry, Earl, we don’t have time to go into that now. Jimmy just finished his second pack which means our time is up for today. Please be generous with your donations on the way out. Everyone have a good week and remember the Marlboro Runners’ Motto: ‘Just breath through the pain…as best you can.’”

Free TV Anyone?

Five Minutes for Mom is giving away a free TV in conjunction with Best Buy. Hey, you've got better odds than the lottery. Check it out at the link below... or don't, then I'll have a better chance of winning. You choose.

http://www.5minutesformom.com/2032/insignia-37inch-flat-panel-lcd-hdtv-contest/

Random Thoughts

Ten reasons why cats have it good:

10. You get to act aloof all the time unless you want something, and everyone accepts that’s just the way it is

9. If you don’t like your caretakers you can simply leave and find others

8. You always land on your feet

7. You don’t have to worry about what to wear

6. Climbing is a cinch

5. If you get stuck up a tree the firefighters will come rescue you and put you in the arms of someone who will baby you for a while because of all your suffering

4. You’re not a dog

3. Paws – padded for stealth, clawed for action

2. Rodents aren’t an infestation, they’re free roaming appetizers

1. Catnaps

Online Quizzes

Online quizzes. There are so many online quizzes nowadays that claim to test everything from your IQ to what kind of Superhero you are to what vegetable you were in a former life to the quantity and color of mucus likely to be discharged with your next sneeze. Well, since it is apparent that no self-respecting blog can survive without a personalized quiz, I have come up with one of my own. Be forewarned that if you don’t forward this quiz to 124 of your closest nieces before the clock chimes midnight on the eve of your next birthday, you will be one year older without having heeded this warning.


QUIZ: What Type of Animal Lover Are you?
Select the answer below that BEST reflects yourself.

1. What is your preferred type of pet?
a. Dog
b. Cat
c. Rodent
d. Bird
e. Fish
f. Reptile/Amphibian
g. Other


2. How many pets do you own?
a. None
b. 1-2
c. 2-5
d. 5-10
e. More than 10


3. Where do you usually get your pets?
a. Only from the finest breeder
b. Well reputed pet stores
c. Classified ads, but only with proper papers
d. They followed me home and I kept them
e. That’s none of your business… You’re not a cop are you?
f. I already told you -- no pets here

4. Do you have names for all your pets?
a. Yes
b. No


5. What kind of names do you give your pets?
a. Descriptive, such as Fluffy, Gordo, Wiggles and Stinkslikesourmilk
b. Human names, such as Alice, Frank, Bob, George and Rodrigo
c. Titled names, such as Mr. Doodles, Senior Frenchie and Little Miss Poopsie
d. Traditional names, such as Rover and Spot
e. Creatively challenged names, such as dog, cat, snake, fish and heyyou
f. I still don’t have any pets
g. I have pets but don’t name them – it creates too close a bond and might be difficult to do what is necessary should my food storage ever run out while I am holed up in my basement waiting for the inevitable zombie uprising to end


6. In an emergency evacuation, if you had to choose exclusively between taking your pet(s) along or leaving them behind and saving personal memorabilia such as scrapbooks, photos, home videos, etc., which would you take?
a. Pets
b. Irreplaceable memorabilia
c. Someone else's pets
d. Someone else's memorabilia

7. How do you dispose of pets that have… um… passed on?
a. Full funeral with guests, songs and speakers
b. Small family gathering in the back yard
c. Facilities, such as vet or cremation
d. Brown box, big hole, done deal
e. Interring the earthly shell would interrupt the cycle of life – I leave them where they lie so the beauty of nature can take its course and renew life once again
f. Passed on? What are you talking about? My parents always told me my pets just “ran away” – although I did always wonder how goldie fish made it back to the ocean from Nebraska…


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If you answered all of the questions thoughtfully before reading the answers, you are the kind of animal lover that likes to take pointless quizzes that don’t tell you anything at all about anything at all except that you wasted valuable minutes of your life that you can never get back.



If you answered all of the questions quickly without giving them much if any thought, you are the kind of animal lover that is mildly interested in what might be interesting about this quiz… or you are just bored.



If you only read the questions and answers without bothering to make any selections, you are the kind of animal lover that doesn’t believe this quiz can tell you what kind of an animal lover you are but are curious enough to read on anyway.



If you didn’t take the quiz and just skipped right to the answers, you are the kind of animal lover that doesn’t like quizzes but somewhere deep down inside is hoping that there will be something worthwhile somewhere else in this blog.



If you read this just so you could make fun of those pathetic animal lovers out there, you are the kind of animal lover that is really more of an animal hater.



If you stopped reading as soon as you saw the word quiz, you are the kind of animal lover that didn’t read this sentence.

Too cliché or not too cliché -- that is the question.

Earlier today I was pondering the saying, “healthy as a horse.” For most of my life, I thought it was just another nonsensical cliché like “I slept like a baby” (I do not consider waking up every hour or so throughout the night the epitome of a good night’s sleep). I figured this was the case because horses get shot if they even break a leg, which doesn’t seem very healthy to me. Then it hit me – the missing link I had overlooked all these years: A live horse is a very healthy horse because otherwise he would be dead. Hence, “healthy as a horse” actually does connote good health. Chalk a point up for solving one of life’s small mysteries. Now if I could just figure out why you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway…

Odd Humor

I have at times been told that I have a very odd sense of humor, but humor is a very odd sort of thing. It often means laughing at something that doesn’t make sense; which makes sense since the unexpectedness of its illogic is what oft times makes us laugh. Hence humor is not an odd sort of thing at all; implying the only odd sense of humor would be to have none at all. And since having no sense of humor means not laughing at something that doesn’t make sense, which is perfectly normal, the odd people must be those who have a sense of humor at all. This of course confuses the whole issue of what an odd odd sense of humor is and what an odd normal sense of humor is. Is it normal if it is normally odd or odd if it is oddly normal, or vice versa? Yet perhaps the simplest explanation is in fact not to be found in the examination of the aspects of humor, but in the reiteration of the phrase: I have a very odd sense of humor.

Leave From Absence

Yes you read it right. But is it really just all in your head? Is there actually a new post here, or are you just imagining it. Perhaps it is something impossible, like a picture you look at that makes sense at first but not a few seconds later...

Maybe if you stare really hard, everything will become clearer...

Then again, if you click on a picture and it opens into a new page and stare at the center for a minute or so, that might expose the true state of things...

But then again, maybe this never happened. Maybe I never did post something here. Maybe you never even visited this blog today to wonder whether or not something that may or may not be here is in fact here or if you are imagining it or just daydreaming about imagining what might happen if you imagined it.


Then again maybe not
not that it is not maybe that is the
the question at hand
hand it to you to figure it out
out of whatever you think may be
be hidden between the lines
lines that are hidden in plain view
view that you might see
see if you look beyond what is visible
visible if you look beyond what you see
see you soon or maybe later
later if my leave from absence is shortened a bit
bit sooner if it is extended
extended beyond what it is now
now I must go -- go if I was ever here now

Food for Thought

Cows are not pretty animals. The beast’s hygiene is far from perfect—mulling about in mud, stepping in piles of steaming refuse from yesterday’s lunch, playing host to a myriad of flies, and even chewing their cud. Cud—the word alone has a grueling ring to it, don’t you think? I am sure you can understand why the thought of eating their hooves did not appeal to me. Yes, the hooves—the cow’s respective toe-nails; the extremity that holds dirty little dark secrets within its crevices as tightly as we do skeletons in the closet. Even assuming the skeletons can be cleared out, and the closet dusted for cobwebs, how do you prepare such an area for dining? You don’t, would be my heartfelt suggestion.

People who insist on this form of torture boil the hooves in a steaming cauldron of water. Boiling causes the hoof to take on an oily sheen and rubber-like quality. Eating rubbery hoof is like chewing a mix between abandoned retread from the highway and some sort of animal fat—greasy, stinky, and difficult to grind into smaller pieces. Since you cannot break the monstrosity into miniature demons, you are forced to swallow the nightmare whole. Swallowing a sizable piece inevitably induces the gag reflex at the back of the throat, and awakens vivid childhood memories of choking on marbles and slimy spit wads you inhaled while preparing to shoot. As the squishy intruder oozes down your throat and into your stomach, you get the distinct feeling that it will come out much the same way in the end. At this point, you feel a need to smile and show courteous gratitude to your eager-to-please hostess, and would do so were it not for the mountain of hoof still lying on your plate and jiggling like disturbed Jell-O. Jell-O—Did I mention that both Jell-O and marshmallows are made of cow hooves? Just add sugar and voilà—dessert! It’s amazing what a spoonful (or nine or ten) of sugar can do to make the cow hoof go down in a more desirable way.

Division of Air and Space Forces

In a prepared statement released this morning, General T. Michael Moseley, Chief of Staff of the U.S. Air Force, announced that due to the increased use of space assets and need for specially trained space operators; by the year 2015 the Air Force will divide into two distinct entities: the Air Force, and a separate Space Force. This will bring the total number of U.S. armed services to four (Air Force, Army, Navy and Space Force). The U.S. Space Force will maintain a close relationship with the Air Force (and other services) as one of its primary missions will be intelligence gathering in support of joint warfighting efforts around the globe. Creating a new armed service will ensure space programs are adequately funded and allow for the development of a specialized space cadre who are experts in orbital mechanics and the other particularities related to operating in the space environment. Prospective candidates for officership in the Space Force will be affectionately known as “Space Cadets.” The official uniform design (click here to see the official artist’s rendering) has also been released to the public, and the Air Force is taking bids for the contract. Production is expected to begin in 2014 so as to allow for a full compliment of uniform items by the 1 January 2015 implementation date.

Cell Phones: Parasites or Appendages?

I think my cell phone may have become an appendage. For work purposes I am required to keep my cell phone on my person at all times and even shut off the shower to take a phone call if necessary. Days “off,” weekends, holidays, 2 a.m.; it doesn’t matter, I have to answer the cell phone when a call comes through. Now constantly carrying a cell phone isn’t a rarity nowadays, so you might be asking yourself, “how could it be like an appendage?” For those skeptics, I ask you to consider the following points:

1. Day-to-day I take it for granted that my cell phone will be on my person. Carrying it with me is nearly as unconscious as remembering to bring my left leg with me each morning.

2. If I do happen to misplace my cell phone I run around frantically searching for it as I would a severed finger so that it may be surgically reattached at the soonest possible moment.

3. When I am forced to leave my phone behind for whatever reason (e.g. when I am in a classified environment where no cell phones are allowed and I have forwarded my calls to a landline), I often have phantom cell phone vibrations and pat around my clothing for a bit looking for my cell phone before remembering it is no longer attached. This is akin to the stories people tell of having lost a leg in a freak ping-pong tournament accident and later having phantom itches in said missing appendage.

It is clear to me that my cell phone has in fact become an appendage of sorts. I guess this is my first step toward becoming a cyborg. Next I need a set of those glasses that have the miniature screens inside them and connect to the internet. Then I’ll build myself a spaceship shaped like a cube and run around “collecting” others to assimilate… oh wait, I think that’s been done already (was that Star Trek or Microsoft, or both?).

Ten Novel Things to do when it’s Freezing (literally) Outside

Make Money
Find a lamppost and stick your tongue to it. Next start screaming (as best you can with your tongue frozen to a lamppost) “Hwelf Mee! Hwelf Mee!” When a few thrill seekers finally show up to see what the commotion is all about, tear yourself away quickly so as to do maximum damage to your tongue (profuse bleeding is optimal). Have a friend with camera in hand ready to snap a few shots of the horrific sight and get names, addresses and phone numbers from witnesses to the travesty. Finally, backed by photos and eye-witnesses, sue the lamppost manufacturer for not inventing a compound that when thoroughly frozen still does not allow an unwary passerby’s tongue to become frozen to the exterior.

Do Scientific Research
Crack an egg on the sidewalk to see if it will cook once summer rolls around.

Impress Others with Your Mental Prowess
Attempt the winter equivalent of fire walking and brave the trek from your front door to the mailbox or trashcan in bare feet. You may find it helpful to think about being somewhere else like Hawaii, Texas, or even the Amazon (No, this won’t make you warmer, but frankly it’s just depressing to be really cold and still thinking about places like the North Pole, Alaska and Dakratland).

Make Fun of those Who Think They Have Mental Prowess
Watch television from inside the comfort of your apartment while thinking about your significant other who is outside walking in bare feet to the mailbox, and chuckle a bit (giggling is authorized for females only).

Remember the Good Ol’ Times, Back in the Day
Celebrate your grandfather’s birthday by walking to school/work in the snow with no shoes… uphill both ways. (Be wary of neighbors who may call the police thinking you’ve finally gone nuts.)

Do Something for the Neighborhood
Get a clipboard, pen and official looking hat (just the brim has to look semi-official as you can obscure the rest with the hood of your coat). Next, go door to door telling residents that you are sorry to inform them that due to increased demand the rate for natural gas will double starting next month. When they complain or start to question your legitimacy, politely tell them that you understand their concerns and unfortunately there is nothing you can do. Advise them to write their congressman (or woman, as the case may be) if they have any issues with the price increase.

Give Others Reason to Question your Sanity
Sit on your porch reading a Harry Potter novel with sunglasses and a Hawaiian T-Shirt. Invite passersby to join you for a glass of ice-cold lemonade.

Get Free Food
Google for anyone having a Wedding that day and crash it with the excuse that your car died and you can’t go back out into the cold… and by the way, will the friends and family luncheon start anytime soon?

Discover Hidden Talents
Tie your dogs to a sled and tell them to “mush.” See what happens next – do they have what it takes to compete in the World Cup dogsledding championship?

Save the World
First, using up all the snow in your yard, build the biggest snow fort you can and stockpile snowballs. Second, post a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Are you Ready?” Third, send a petition door to door pleading for all concerned parties to donate snow to the cause of ringing the neighborhood with a gigantic snow wall. Finally, don an authoritative looking hat and while feverishly popping up and down from inside your snow fort, cry out in doomsday tones, “The Eskimos are coming! The Eskimos are coming!” Pause every now and again to huddle in a corner and rock back and forth while crying, “Oh no, please not again…not again…why me? Why me?”