Five Things that Wig Me Out:

Forgotten Veggies

You know, the kind you find rummaging around in the vegetable drawer, and don’t quite remember buying.  So you decide to check their firmness, only to have your fingers pass straight through to the other side.

Ronald McDonald

Clowns are freaky to begin with, and here’s one that promotes fast food and hangs around exclusively with kids, asking them if they believe in magic.

Musicals

A group of people spontaneously burst into song and dance… repeatedly – it’s unnatural.

Hairless cats

Do I really need to explain this one?

Go-Gurt

It’s like slurping down a large fake-fruit flavored lugie.

Advice you didn't ask for, probably don't need, but are going to get anyway.

Revenge is best served cold, and hunger is the best sauce.  Therefore if you’re angry at someone, the best way to get back at them is to move to Antarctica and starve to death.  That’ll show ‘em.  That’ll show ‘em good.

Public Restrooms, Truth in Four Lines.

Nobody really likes a public restroom,
But you sure are glad when you can find one.
Sitting down on a cold seat is horrible,
But sitting down on a warm one is much worse.

A Mathematical Miracle

According to the U.S. Census Bureau's World Population Clock (http://www.census.gov/main/www/popclock.html), there are
6,904,359,382 people in the world right now.


According to Internet World Stats (http://www.internetworldstats.com/stats.htm), as of June 30, 2010 there are 1,966,514,816 Internet Users in the world.  That's about two people with internet access for every seven people on Earth.


As tracked by BlogPulse, there are 126 million blogs on the Internet.  Ignoring the fact that many bloggers have multiple blogs, approximately one of every sixteen internet users is a blogger.


These statistics alone are not awe-inspiring.  What is amazing, however, is that of the nearly seven billion people on earth, YOU, a one-in-two-billion-person, were able to find this one-in-one-hundred-twenty-six-million blog!


We are both fortunate beyond measure that the fates have aligned to overcome these incomprehensible odds.  Call it fate, call it destiny, call it what you will, it was meant to be.


Now, considering the grandeur of this moment -- one which I am sure will be treasured by your great-great-great-great grandchildren -- wouldn't you feel ashamed to leave this page before leaving a comment to immortalize the occasion?  


Seize the moment!
Comment or DIE.

Do Your Part -- Recycle Yourself

Thursday is trash day.  The day I contemplate how much refuse my household generates.  It does make me feel a bit better that California recycles practically everything that can conceivably be recycled.  The CRV kinda stinks though.  Oh well, “doing our part,” right?

One thing that does bug me though is the whole humans causing global warming bit espoused by the ecoreligionists.  I think it’s fairly egotistical to think we are having that big of an effect on the earth’s climate. 

Was it also our fault that there isn’t an ice age anymore?  Maybe it is.  Perhaps I’m looking at this all wrong.  Maybe time is circular and some decades into the future we figure out a way to reverse global warming and induce global cooling.  Then everything gets out of hand and we create a new ice age.  Then we all die and turn into petroleum.  Our decomposition starts a slow global warming process and the ice age ends in time for us to start coming around again much later to complain about running out of petroleum and overheating the planet.  Shame on us.  Didn’t we learn anything the first time around?  If we don’t stop existing now, we are ecoterrorists and mother nature will declare jihad on us.

Yep, that’s probably much more accurate.  I’m glad to finally get to the bottom of that mess.  Oh, and if this seems like a bunch of rambling nonsense to you that’s because global warming is melting your brain.

This is your brain. 

This is your brain on global warming. 

Any questions?

Yes, you in the back.

 

Why does your brain look like a chicken egg?

 

Because you’re an ecoterrorist.  

Now hurry up and turn into petroleum.

...

Because It's Wednesday

Wednesday and February.

Go ahead, pronounce them like they're spelled. 

WED-NES-DAY


FEB-RU-ARY

But do it in private or people will laugh at you and then probably steal your lunch money.  Probably.

English is weird.

Collegehumor has a few questions about LOST

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Obit

How do you define death in the online age?

How many days do you have to go without posting on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, a blog, or any other social networking site (SNS) before you are dead to the internet?  Is resurrection possible? Is it wanted?

Am I dead?

My online pulse definitely flat-lined.  But interestingly, whenever it does it coincides with a marked increase in real-world “action.”  ...when I’m very much alive and doing things.

Consequently, it can be deduced that an increase in online interactions correlates to a decrease in real-world actions and vice versa.

Thus, if you become truly alive in real-life you are dead online.  And if you become truly alive online, you must be dead in the real world.

It makes sense now why there are so many zombies in the world.  They have simply given up all their life to the internet.

Which brings back the age old question, do you have a zombie plan?

P.S.  If it seems like I’m rambling, it’s because I am.

P.P.S.  Oh, and why didn’t P.S. die with the advent of BACKSPACE and UNDO?

Feed the zombies.

Daylight Savings Time: The rest of the story

Spring forward, fall back. That’s how I was taught to remember it. Oh how deceptive those terms are.

Spring forward –

All light, airy and worry-free, it sounds like we’re making some real progress here; getting ahead in life, taking an extra turn in Monopoly, skipping past opponents in Candyland, or nearing the finish in that never-ending game Chutes and Ladders. However, nothing could be further from the truth. The truth is much darker – depressing in fact. The reality is… you LOSE. That’s it, lose; not win. We’d call you a loser, but that term isn’t PC, so we will call you winning challenged. And just what did you lose oh winning challenged one? You lost an hour. Where did it go? Did you get anything in exchange? No, sir, you lost. Go straight to jail, do not pass GO, and do not collect $200.

Fall back –

Just the opposite here – fall back, as in retreat, as in you are being defeated. Your army is losing. Men are dying. Or even if it’s not as bad as death, you’re still trying to get away. Run away, little boy, the bullies are coming for you. Your hair looks like it could use a swirly and they found a toilet with your name on it. There is nothing pleasant here at all. Or is there? When we fall back, we actually get a GIFT! We are given an extra hour.

“Excuse me, sir, I’d like to purchase that set of 24 hours on the top shelf there. That should be enough to get me through until Monday…”

“Great, and as a one-time special offer, with today’s purchase we are throwing in one extra hour, free of charge!”

“Wow! I feel like I’ve won the lottery! I’ve never won anything before in my life.”

“So, what are you going to do with your extra hour?”

“I’m going to Disneyland!”

The End of the World

You knew it had to come sooner or later. Well, it’s here, and this is what it looks like.

...the only question that remains is, "which end is it?"

Daily dose of truth...

Clowns and sharks are both scary, just for different reasons.

An Equation

Word of the Day

Thanks to the Random Word Generator (Plus), your random obscure noun for the day is "nonsuccessiveness." Microsoft Word underlines it with the red squiggly of death. Dictionary.com has no idea what it means. A Google search comes up with about 202 results -- most of which seem to be links to online dictionaries stating "no entries found." Wow, that is obscure.

So what does it mean?

Things that make you say, “Huh?”

I was at a thrift store a short time ago looking for a computer desk (no luck there by the way) and ran across one of those oddities of life in this world that makes you stop and ask yourself the age old philosophical question, “Huh?”

“Huh?” is often mistakenly confused with its close relatives “What the…?” (or simply “Wha?”) and “Eh?” However, the latter two more aptly describe circumstances in which one is not sure what they have encountered and/or just heard about. “Huh?” is best reserved for times when one is quite certain they have a firm grasp on the reality and facts of the situation, but their mind fumbles futilely to conjure up any logical or reasonable explanation for why the item exists, deed was done, words were spoken, etc. Consider Caffeine Free Diet Coke for example: No caffeine, no sugar, aspartame aftertaste, yet people still buy it… huh?

Back to my original story – The item in question which produced the “huh?” response that day was a Marlboro two-piece running suit. Just how many packs of cigarettes do you have to smoke to earn enough Marlboro points to send in for your very own Marlboro two-piece running suit? Or if you don’t earn it and simply purchase it, does the Marlboro Company actually have that many fiercely loyal customers who are also addicted to running? I can just imagine the monthly meeting for the local chapter of Marlboro Runners.


Frank: “All right everyone, let’s make this quick. We only have the smokers’ lounge reserved for the next ten minutes and then we have to head back outside near the picnic table for the duration of the meeting. It’s 20 below out there so let’s do our best to wrap this up in the first ten minutes. Okay, first item on the agenda: thank you to everyone who showed up for last month’s run. It was a grueling quarter mile, but thanks to Jimmy, and the well planned smoking breaks every twenty minutes, the time seemed to just fly by. Also, I’m pleased to announce that Earl had a new personal best time – mainly because he forgot his oxygen tank at home and didn’t have its weight dragging him down like usual; but a personal best nonetheless. Oh, and while we’re on the subject, we’ll be accepting donations at the back as you leave for a small thank you gift for the emergency medical technicians who revived Earl at the finish line. We thought we lost you for a minute there, Earl!”

Earl: wheeze

Frank: “Okay, next subject. For safety reasons it was suggested and accepted unanimously that this month’s run consist of two laps around the hospital block. Since we can’t smoke directly in front of the building, please ensure all cigarettes are properly extinguished for the thirty feet before and after the main entrance. Yes, Dale, that means you too.”

Earl: wheeze

Frank: “No, Earl, I still haven’t been able to get any of the local medical supply centers to sponsor us and provide free oxygen tank recharging. However, the manager at Simon’s Brewery did say he might consider giving me a call sometime about our request for donations to fund the purchase of the latest Marlboro running suits.”

Earl: wheeze

Frank: “Yes, Earl, the top-of-the line ones that come with the oxygen backpack and cigarette holster as standard equipment.”

Earl: wheeze

Frank: “Sorry, Earl, we don’t have time to go into that now. Jimmy just finished his second pack which means our time is up for today. Please be generous with your donations on the way out. Everyone have a good week and remember the Marlboro Runners’ Motto: ‘Just breath through the pain…as best you can.’”

Too cliché or not too cliché -- that is the question.

Earlier today I was pondering the saying, “healthy as a horse.” For most of my life, I thought it was just another nonsensical cliché like “I slept like a baby” (I do not consider waking up every hour or so throughout the night the epitome of a good night’s sleep). I figured this was the case because horses get shot if they even break a leg, which doesn’t seem very healthy to me. Then it hit me – the missing link I had overlooked all these years: A live horse is a very healthy horse because otherwise he would be dead. Hence, “healthy as a horse” actually does connote good health. Chalk a point up for solving one of life’s small mysteries. Now if I could just figure out why you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway…

Food for Thought

Cows are not pretty animals. The beast’s hygiene is far from perfect—mulling about in mud, stepping in piles of steaming refuse from yesterday’s lunch, playing host to a myriad of flies, and even chewing their cud. Cud—the word alone has a grueling ring to it, don’t you think? I am sure you can understand why the thought of eating their hooves did not appeal to me. Yes, the hooves—the cow’s respective toe-nails; the extremity that holds dirty little dark secrets within its crevices as tightly as we do skeletons in the closet. Even assuming the skeletons can be cleared out, and the closet dusted for cobwebs, how do you prepare such an area for dining? You don’t, would be my heartfelt suggestion.

People who insist on this form of torture boil the hooves in a steaming cauldron of water. Boiling causes the hoof to take on an oily sheen and rubber-like quality. Eating rubbery hoof is like chewing a mix between abandoned retread from the highway and some sort of animal fat—greasy, stinky, and difficult to grind into smaller pieces. Since you cannot break the monstrosity into miniature demons, you are forced to swallow the nightmare whole. Swallowing a sizable piece inevitably induces the gag reflex at the back of the throat, and awakens vivid childhood memories of choking on marbles and slimy spit wads you inhaled while preparing to shoot. As the squishy intruder oozes down your throat and into your stomach, you get the distinct feeling that it will come out much the same way in the end. At this point, you feel a need to smile and show courteous gratitude to your eager-to-please hostess, and would do so were it not for the mountain of hoof still lying on your plate and jiggling like disturbed Jell-O. Jell-O—Did I mention that both Jell-O and marshmallows are made of cow hooves? Just add sugar and voilà—dessert! It’s amazing what a spoonful (or nine or ten) of sugar can do to make the cow hoof go down in a more desirable way.

Insatiable

The word for the day is insatiable. Simply stated it means impossible to satisfy. However, be not beguiled by the ease of definition, for this is no simple word. Indeed, it is one of those magnificent words which when said leaves an air of mystery and unspoken challenge in the air. Say it with me, ĭn-sā'shə-bəl. Its delicious sound caresses the roof of your mouth before lazily sliding from between your barely parted lips. In one moment it complements those of great power and focus, and in the next it slanders those of weak character or evil disposition.

The thought-provoking prowess of this word, when employed, will cause any but the most naïve to pause and ponder the veracity of the statement which it compliments, as well as the judgment of its speaker. Yes my friend, you would do well to be wary of the insatiable.

The reality of perceived truth

Isn’t it interesting that aside from a few basic truths, other facts do not affect us or are not important to us until we become aware of them. Even at the moment we learn of them, it is not the concrete absolutes of their being that affect us, but how we perceive them to be in our minds. Our perception, so far as we are concerned, is identical to the reality of the situation. Since this reality is dependent on and varies from person to person; perception is indeed reality. Consider a woman who believes they have one donut left in the cupboard which they plan to happily devour after lunch. They are infused by a sense of contentment in their perceived donut ownership. However, the fact of the matter is that said donut was eaten earlier by the woman’s husband (whose perceived sense of well-being may decline dramatically after lunch).

Interestingly the facts changed earlier when the woman’s donut account went from one to zero, while her perception – her reality – maintained a one donut balance. Further, after lunch when she realizes that her unwary husband consumed the delectable treat, her reality (or perception thereof) will change from one donut ownership to donut bankrupt causing a discernable and negative change in her sense of contentment and stability, while the reality of the matter (zero donuts to zero donuts) made no change whatsoever in that moment.

If you remain unconvinced of my argument think on the following examples:

• The moment a person dies vs. the moment in which a loved one learns of the death
• The moment a person’s vehicle is burnt and destroyed by a freak gasoline fight accident vs. the moment in which they discover the tragedy
• The moment a person loses their entire family fortune in the stock market vs. the moment in which they try to buy a diamond engagement ring for their potential fiancé and subsequently learn that their purchase is denied due to the fact that they have no money and everything is about to be repossessed down to and including their vintage record copy of “It’s a Small World” personally autographed by the Sherman brothers themselves.
  

I rest my case.

Happy Halloween

In the midnight hour of All Hallows Eve,
When the spirits and creatures are stirring,
The piercing howl of the Jack-O-Wolf,
Calls all to terrified silence.

Five Guaranteed Steps to Overcome Procrastination Forever

[Blog Forthcoming]