Five Things that Wig Me Out:

Forgotten Veggies

You know, the kind you find rummaging around in the vegetable drawer, and don’t quite remember buying.  So you decide to check their firmness, only to have your fingers pass straight through to the other side.

Ronald McDonald

Clowns are freaky to begin with, and here’s one that promotes fast food and hangs around exclusively with kids, asking them if they believe in magic.

Musicals

A group of people spontaneously burst into song and dance… repeatedly – it’s unnatural.

Hairless cats

Do I really need to explain this one?

Go-Gurt

It’s like slurping down a large fake-fruit flavored lugie.

Glorious Man-Made Bull Attemps to Jump Over the Moon -- Fails

Well sorta.  Actually, early this morning a Taurus XL rocked carrying NASA’s Glory satellite launched from Vandenberg Air Force Base.  It was going on a three-year mission to study aerosols in the atmosphere and how they affect Earth’s climate.  I say “was” because it had separation issues and now, according to NASA launch director Omar Baez, "Indications are that the satellite and rocket ... is in the southern Pacific Ocean somewhere."  That's NASAeese for EPIC FAIL.

Fortunately, you scientific aficionado types don’t have to worry.  The failed $424 million mission is scheduled to be repeated in 2013.  Here’s the really good news though, I’ve been indoctrinated from a very early age to know that aerosols poke a hole in the ozone layer, cause global warming, contribute to political corruption, and drown puppies and kittens by the bagful.  There, now you don’t need another satellite so you can save yourself the two-year prep time and three-year study time.  

As if saving you five years isn’t generous enough, I will only charge half-price for my knowledge.  NASA, feel free to send my $212 million via check, moneyorder, direct deposit or PayPal.  Heck, I’m not picky.  I just need the money so I can build my militaristic compound before the chlorofluorocarbons begin the prophesied zombie pandemic and my neighbors try to eat my brains.

Do Your Part -- Recycle Yourself

Thursday is trash day.  The day I contemplate how much refuse my household generates.  It does make me feel a bit better that California recycles practically everything that can conceivably be recycled.  The CRV kinda stinks though.  Oh well, “doing our part,” right?

One thing that does bug me though is the whole humans causing global warming bit espoused by the ecoreligionists.  I think it’s fairly egotistical to think we are having that big of an effect on the earth’s climate. 

Was it also our fault that there isn’t an ice age anymore?  Maybe it is.  Perhaps I’m looking at this all wrong.  Maybe time is circular and some decades into the future we figure out a way to reverse global warming and induce global cooling.  Then everything gets out of hand and we create a new ice age.  Then we all die and turn into petroleum.  Our decomposition starts a slow global warming process and the ice age ends in time for us to start coming around again much later to complain about running out of petroleum and overheating the planet.  Shame on us.  Didn’t we learn anything the first time around?  If we don’t stop existing now, we are ecoterrorists and mother nature will declare jihad on us.

Yep, that’s probably much more accurate.  I’m glad to finally get to the bottom of that mess.  Oh, and if this seems like a bunch of rambling nonsense to you that’s because global warming is melting your brain.

This is your brain. 

This is your brain on global warming. 

Any questions?

Yes, you in the back.

 

Why does your brain look like a chicken egg?

 

Because you’re an ecoterrorist.  

Now hurry up and turn into petroleum.

...

Because It's Wednesday

Wednesday and February.

Go ahead, pronounce them like they're spelled. 

WED-NES-DAY


FEB-RU-ARY

But do it in private or people will laugh at you and then probably steal your lunch money.  Probably.

English is weird.

An Interview with Charlie Sheen

Reporter:  "Charlie, is it true that..."

Charlie: "I'm not into drugs. I was bangin' seven-gram rocks and finishing them because that's how I roll, because I have one speed, one gear. [I survived] because I'm me. I'm different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man. Dying's for fools, dying's for amateurs."

Reporter: "Okay, that's good to know.  So, is it true that..."

Charlie: "Look, I'm just high on life.  I'm on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."


Reporter: "... I can see how that would be unfortunate.  Back to my question though, is it true that..."


Charlie: "I got magic and I got poetry in my fingertips.  I didn't threaten her."

Reporter: "Ah...who?"

Charlie: "Women are not to be hit. They're to be hugged and caressed.  ... She was attacking me, though, with a small fork — like a cocktail fork. And she had it with her; that was the weird part. What was she doing with, like, a shrimp fork in her purse? She stole it, clearly. From a buffet."

Reporter: "Charlie, I'd like to get us back on track here..."

Charlie: "I expose people to magic. I expose people to something they'll never experience in their boring normal life!"

Reporter: "Okay, why don't we take five, Charlie.  You can relax and get a Coke or something."

Charlie: "I don’t believe myself to be an addict. I really don’t. I think that I just ignore or smash or finally dismiss a model that I think is rooted in vintage balderdash, you know? For lack of a better word."

Reporter: "A soda, Charlie, not Cocaine.  No drugs, Charlie. Do you want a soda?  Because I'm going to walk around the corner there.  You can't see it from here, but there is a soda machine back there and I'd be happy to get you one. I'll only be gone a minute."

Charlie: "What, you think I need drugs? I'm not bipolar, I'm bi-winning. I win here and I win there."

Reporter: "Listen, Charlie, I'm not sure what you're talking about, but apparently you do; so perhaps you could explain..."

Charlie: "You can't process me with a normal brain.  I'm an F-18 bro and I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordnance to the ground.  Now shut up and lick my foot."

Top Ten "You know you have young children at Christmas when..."

...hey, I remembered my password!






"You know you have young children at Christmas when..."

10. Your tree is barren on the bottom and heavily decorated on top

9. The beautiful glass orbs that decorated your tree last year are quickly being replaced by popsicle stick artwork and crayon-abused, glitter-covered paper discs with a picture of the smiling artist glued to the center

8. The only gifts you dare put under the tree before Christmas morning are wrapped in an impenetrable tungsten carbide wrapping paper you were lucky enough to pick up at Wal-Mart last year before the product was recalled back to China

7. You have added "A sizable helping of sanity" to your Christmas wish list

6. You frequently find yourself "gently" reminding the mischievous elves scurrying about your home that Santa knows when they are sleeping, he knows when they are awake, and he knows when they smear toothpaste all over the sink, walls, floor, and ceiling?! of the bathroom

5. Everyone in your home knows by heart what Santa puts in naughty kids' stockings

4. You have seriously considered contributing a new example of the definition of "infinity" to Wikipedia as, "The number of times your child can ask 'how many more days until Christmas?' before tiring"

3. You have made it a personal quest this year to find a gift for the youngest ones that will be more enticing than the box it is wrapped in

2. You feel a little dumb Googling "is it possible to overdose on sugar" but are then both comforted and a little appalled to see there are about 2,400,000 results

1. Christmas has been canceled and reinstated multiple times... in the last 24 hours

Merry Christmas!

Collegehumor has a few questions about LOST

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

The Missing Episode Chronicles:

Kids’ Show episodes you didn’t get the chance to see… but secretly wish you had

Roadrunner and Wylie Coyote

In his latest attempt to capture Roadrunner, Wylie Coyote orders a time machine to go back in time and capture Roadrunner as a baby. Roadrunner calls ACME, but finds his credit card is maxed out, so he has to get a minimum wage job to pay the monthly interest charges.  No longer having to run from the coyote, roadrunner loses all sense of purpose in life and quits his regular running routine.  Subsequently, he becomes addicted to pop tarts, fried food and daytime talk shows.  After gaining 50 pounds in one year, he makes a short appearance on the Biggest Loser, but is dropped after the first week for smuggling in a deep fried pizza and downing it in the bathroom.

Barney

Barney’s obesity finally catches up with him and he has a heart attack mid-episode.  The kids laugh at his antics and begin to dance around him, singing “London Bridges.”  His moans and groans strangely coincide with crescendos in the music.  When the children realize something is wrong with Barney, they decide he is very sick and need everyone who believes in purple dinosaurs to clap their hands and say “we believe” to save him.  In the spirit of the show, they decide to sing a happy little song about life, belief, and clapping.  The song goes on a bit too long and Barney expires before they get around to the actual clapping and believing bit.  The show closes with smiling children holding hands, swaying, and singing “I loved you, you loved me, but I guess it just wasn’t meant to be…”

Bob the Builder

It’s winter and Farmer Pickles’s barn is destroyed in a snowstorm.  The animals are cold, so he calls Bob to build a new one.  Bob takes Lofty and Muck to help.  Wendy warns them to hurry because a massive blizzard is on the way.  He says not to worry; it won’t take long because Farmer Pickles has all the supplies already prepared and even made them sandwiches so they won’t have to stop for a lunch break. 

Spud finds out Bob is coming and thinks it will be funny to hide all the wood from him.  He tells Travis that Bob wants them to move all the wood to the other side of the farm.  Travis doesn’t think this sounds right, but figures Bob knows best, so he helps Spud take all the wood away.  Spud hurries back to see how surprised Bob will be when he shows up and there isn’t any wood left.  After all that sneaking around, Spud is hungry and finds the sandwiches Farmer Pickles made.  He eats them one by one laughing to himself about how much funnier it will be when Bob can’t find the wood or his lunch.  By the time he eats the last sandwich he has a stomach ache and decides to lie down for a bit.

Bob arrives and Farmer Pickles takes him to where the new barn will be built.  Farmer pickles is puzzled to find the wood missing, but just then the blizzard hits and they spend the next few minutes trying to find their way back to the house.  It is a complete white-out and they soon lose their sense of direction, circling back to where they started.  They can’t get out of the snow, and as the storm continues they get cold and hungry.  With no wood to burn for heat or sandwiches to eat, their prospects look dim.

Spud has been asleep this whole time in a food-induced coma.  He is now covered by a thick layer of newly fallen snow.  Bob is directing Muck to pile the snow around them to help build a giant igloo to keep the cold wind at bay.  In the process he runs over the snow-covered Spud.  Bob and Farmer Pickles are glad to have found him.  They survive the storm by eating his turnip nose and burning his body bit by bit for warmth.

When the crops are planted that spring, Spud is replaced by a much more reliable stationary scarecrow.

Yo Gabba Gabba

Unable to get any guest stars, it’s a full episode of nothing more than DJ Lance Rock saying “Yo Gabba Gabba” repeatedly while Muno, Brobee, Foofa, Toodee and Plex jump around dancing.  The test audience doesn’t notice anything out of the ordinary.

Wonder Pets

Linny Tuck and Ming Ming have to save a baby anaconda that is in trouble because it is trapped in a cave and can’t find its mommy.  They work together and are able to free the baby snake and return it to its mommy.  They celebrate by eating celery.  The snakes celebrate by eating the Wonder Pets.  As the credits roll, the snakes can be heard singing:

Wonder Pets!

Wonder Pets!

They came our way

To help a friend

And save the day

They weren’t too big

And weren’t too tough

And when eaten together

They’ve got the right stuff

Go, Wonder Pets, ya'ay!

Teletubbies

It’s a very short episode.  There is a white flash and a mushroom cloud can be seen in the distance.  The Teletubbies make squalid baby-talk sounds for a few seconds and the screen goes black.  The remaining time is filled by an archived Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood episode.  Children everywhere are tricked into learning something for the first time since their introduction to Teletubbies.

Why You Should Read Reviews

The Advertising Line

The HoMEDICS Neck and Shoulder Massager (with heat) promises, “an invigorating massage that provides soothing heat right where you need it most. The massager flexes to comfort your neck and shoulders – allowing you to sit back and indulge in a relaxing massage.”

THE TRUTH HURTS

I bought the massager for my wife as one of her birthday gifts. She had been suffering from a stiff, sore neck, and I thought something like this would be perfect to help her relax those tense muscles. The unfortunate reality is it did anything but.

My wife tried it out and didn’t like it. I tried it out and didn’t like it. I also felt it would be a disservice to humanity if I didn’t warn my fellow Earth dwellers that it is really a malevolent mind control device designed by super intelligent mutant moles who throughout their lives have suffered from mankind’s cruelty at the hands of jackhammer operators who literally rocked their world… and not in a good way.

The “invigorating massage” was less of a massage and more of a high-frequency vibration. Think of your cell phone sitting happily on the dresser without a care in the world, then vbRRRRRrrrrRRRRrrr – it jitters toward the edge and certain doom. I always assumed it was the intense vibration causing the phone to move like that. I was wrong. In fact, cell phones have become so advanced that they now experience a low form of self awareness. When you put the phone on vibrate its innards get violently shaken about so fast that all it can think about is somehow making it to the edge, toppling over the precipice and ending it all. It – just – can’t – take – it – anymore.

This is the same sensation you can purchase in a box with the HoMEDICS Neck and Shoulder Shake-your-eyeballs-in-their-sockets-so-fast-everything-goes-blurry-and-you-want-to-curl-up-in-a-ball-and-vomit-then-pass-out Massager.

Yes, you too can pay good money for that experience.

Fortunately, you don’t need to pay anything. To duplicate this phenomenon in the comfort of your own home all you have to do is cross your eyes as hard as you can until you feel a headache is inevitable, you are disoriented and queasy; then while remaining cross-eyed, violently shake your head side to side as you jump in the air and spin in circles as fast as you can. You will know you have achieved the desired result when you crash to the ground head-first and puke a little bit in your mouth. You swallowed it back down, didn’t you? Gross.

On a lighter note, the heating bit actually works as advertised. The only problem is that the unit is so bulky that if you try and sit back to relax, your neck will be shoved forward at such an angle as to not only nullify any soothing effects, but actually worsen the pain. Oh, and if you sit up it falls away and loses contact with your neck, so all it becomes is gaudy neck jewelry… with a trailing AC adapter plugged into the wall. You saw the picture.

This is not a fashion trend I expect will become faddish anytime soon.

THE POINT TO THIS WHOLE POST is that I could have saved myself time, money, and discomfort by simply doing a Google search, finding the product at Wall-Mart and reading the unhappy reviews. Here are some of my favorite quotes:

“After we tried it...we agree that it wasnt worth it because the vibration was soo hard that it made our brains go crazy. Now we're getting a headache if we choose to use it.”

“It was clutzy.
Didn't form in a comfortable position.
The HEAT button didn't work...so it
had NO heat.
I returned it to Wal Mart for refund.
Had no problem doing so.
It is something I would NOT suggest
to anyone to buy.
Cheap and very un-comforatble”

“We both were so excited about the product thinking it would work beautifully. It does vibrate and is very loud around the ears so hard to hear persons talking or the tv sounds.”

“This was ok if you like your head to be shaken off of your neck!! I had a headache and felt nauseated for quite a while after trying this for just a minute or two. Impossible to relax with this. The heat isn't noticeable! It only has two settings, low and high. Even low is not comfortable!! Don't waste your money. It is pretty stiff too, so it doesn't conform to your neck very well, either”

And it goes on…

Bottom line: If you are a masochist (or sadist that likes gift-giving), run out and buy two TODAY. If you are an activist, write Al Gore and tell him to forget “global warming,” we’ve got a bigger problem on our hands. If you have sympathy for the human condition but simply don’t care enough to motivate yourself to take an active part in the struggle against 21^st Century over-the-counter torture devices, blog about it. Otherwise, if you are a normal person, just don’t buy one.

Is it the end of the "personal" internet?

Have you all been reading the news articles about the three Google executives convicted of violating Italian privacy laws? This is one odd ball ruling that will hopefully be overturned on appeal.

Here’s a snippet from the New York Times.

“In Milan, Judge Oscar Magi sentenced the Google executives in absentia to six-month suspended sentences for violation of privacy. Prosecutors said Google did not act fast enough to remove from the site a widely viewed video posted in 2006 showing a group of teenage boys harassing an autistic boy.”

I have a Bachelor of Science degree in criminal justice, and an MBA with an emphasis in criminal justice management. Let me just say that when journalists say things like, “The verdict, though subject to appeal, could have sweeping implications worldwide for Internet freedom.” They are not kidding in the least.

Everything posted on the internet would be subject to preemptive review. Rather than holding individual users responsible for what they post on “public” sites like Google, Facebook, MySpace, etc. we would be saying there is a criminal liability attached to the hosting company to ensure nothing derogatory, inflammatory, lewd, etc. is ever posted. Currently, companies can only get in trouble if they are made aware of a violation and do nothing about it or are too slow to act. In the case of Google, they had the material removed within two hours after police notified them about its existence. That’s a very reasonable amount of time.

I personally do not think the ruling will hold. It would truly be the end of an era. Goodbye to personal blogs, free website hosting, and any sort of timely internet-based communication. There is a slippery slope argument too. It wouldn’t be too hard to imagine email getting regulated next, with every email having to be filtered and reviewed before being sent to the intended recipient(s).

I’m going to keep an eye on this one if for no other reason than to see what we learn about the judge who sentenced the Google executives (Judge Oscar Magi). Is he planning to get into politics and just looking for some free PR? It’ll be interesting to find out.

Words that are just plain, well… weird

Ma’am is one weird word. Ma’am – you spell it how? What does that even mean?! Is there a glottal stop in there? Is it a contraction? If so, what are the two original words? Okay, I just Googled it. It is in fact a contraction for the word madam. Since when do we use contractions for one word? Why lose just one letter if we’re going to do that? It takes just as long to type the apostrophe as the letter “d.” And why waste it on such a small word? If we’re opening the door to contracting single words, why not try it out on something more worthwhile, like say “mortuary.” It could be shortened to mo’ry (which would definitely save us some time and effort). It even sounds less creepy that way... mo’ry …yep, definitely less creepy. Just read the two passages below and you’ll see what I mean.

--------------------------------

Passage 1: MORTUARY

It was a dark and sinister night. It was stormy too – unusual for the time of year. Yes, it was an abnormally dark and stormy sinister night. The young woman held tightly to her umbrella, waiting for the bus to come; willing it to arrive sooner than its scheduled stop at 10:30, fifteen minutes away. Five minutes was a lifetime in this part of town at night. Fifteen was an eternity. A lone stray dog wandered the otherwise abandoned street in search of the rotting scraps that somehow found their way to the gutters outside the butcher houses lining either side of the street. A street lined entirely by buildings dedicated to the bloody slaughter and dismemberment of some of Earth’s gentler creatures. How odd such a place existed. How unfortunate the circumstances that had left her stranded here, waiting an eternity for a bus she hoped would come. The thin rain continued to fall, depressing her spirits even further. In the shadows it was easy to imagine the languid rivulets of water slipping past to be blood oozing from the streets themselves and draining through blackened grates like great gaping mouths with rotting teeth, hungrily lapping at the liquid. The quiet gurgling sounded almost intelligible. If she listened hard and long enough she was sure she could make out what it said. It sounded like a warning… or a threat.

She feared what she might hear, but listened anyway. As she strained she heard the footstep. The wet thump, thump, thump of someone behind her; close behind her. Panicked she whirled around, the dog and streets and blood and gutters and mouths and words forgotten as her heart tried to pound through her chest. Before her stood a man in a black coat, without hat or umbrella to shield his mottled hair from the rain. He grinned a twisted grin and as he reached for her said in a greasy voice, “Evening ma’am, I’m on my way to the mortuary, perhaps you can be of assistance to me.”

--------------------------------

--------------------------------

Passage 2: Mo’ry

It was a beautiful spring morning. The day was crisp, but not cold. In fact, it was pleasantly warm for the time of year. Yes, it was a beautifully pleasant warm spring morning. The young woman swung her umbrella idly – while the weatherman had promised a sunny cloudless day, she liked to be prepared. She quietly waited for the bus, scheduled to arrive in fifteen minutes or so. Breathing in deeply she almost wished the bus would be late, giving her a few extra minutes to just enjoy being outdoors. Time seemed to pass too quickly at times like these. There was even a dog happily sniffing around down the street to keep her company. He was likely searching for a scrap or two of the delicious bread produced by the various bakeries that lined the street on either side. A street lined entirely by buildings dedicated to the art of perfectly browned loaves and pastries of every kind imaginable. It was a place wondrous enough to put a smile on any child’s face. How fortunate the circumstances that had allowed her to spend a short time here, luxuriating in the smells while she waited for a bus she almost hoped wouldn’t come at all. A pleasant breeze languidly coursed down the street, invigorating her senses further. Closing her eyes, it was easy to imagine herself completely alone without a care in the world, the breeze carrying all her worries away, taking them to the sky where they would evaporate in the welcoming rays of the sun. The sun was so bright and warm but not the slightest bit harsh. It comforted her and seemed like an old friend who had come to visit. If she listened long and hard enough she was sure she would hear it greeting her – calling her by name.

She was amused by the thought and listened intently for what it might say. Instead of the sun, she heard only the rhythmic thump, thump, thump of someone walking her direction. Intrigued, she turned toward the sound, the bread and sun and breeze and old friends momentarily forgotten as she quickly checked herself over to make sure she was presentable. Before her stood a gentleman in a charcoal grey suit, tailored perfectly so as not to hide his athletic figure. He grinned a boyish grin, and in a slightly apologetic voice said, “Excuse me ma’am, I’m on my way to the mo’ry, perhaps you can be of assistance to me?”

--------------------------------

You see how such a simple change in one word can dramatically alter the feel of an entire passage? But I digress. Back to my original statement – ma’am is one weird word.

The art of communication

Whenever I log into my yahoo mail account there is one of a few rotating pictures there to greet me and entice potential subscribers. Most I get. This one I don’t. It says to me, “Reconnect with that relative you couldn’t stand who always pinched your cheek at the family reunion. Maybe they won’t pinch now that you’re older and too cool to be pinched with your mad zone-out skilz. Maybe they’ll just hug you and you can pretend they aren’t even there.”

The internet: Synergy or Collective Absurdity?

Does information sharing on the internet allow us to pool our collective resources, making our combined intelligence one enhanced super brain capable of solving complex problems with the click of a mouse; or is it no more than an ability to globally seek out the thoughts of those who share our own opinions, and thus find validation through community in even the most socially alien aspects of our lives?

On the internet, everyone can be their own doctor. Just ask www.freeMD.com. Not satisfied? Get a second opinion at www.Diagnose-Me.com or www.AOLhealth.com. I mean, who would be foolish enough to entrust your physical and mental well being with a mere human doctor. That is SO last decade. But why stop with health? Need to know the answer to the meaning of life? Try www.ask.com and you will get all 61,100,000 answers at your fingertips with one simple click. But that’s kid stuff. Pull up http://answers.yahoo.com and they’ll give you 322,000,000 – that’s 260,900,000 more for the same effort! Surely we have reached the peak of civilization when over 300 million people can tell you what the meaning of life is in a sentence or two. Now that’s synergy. Just ask Google.

And what about all those misunderstood souls out there whose only desire is to collect toenails and not be scorned for it. Don’t worry, you can find solace in the fact that there are many like you. Scott Matthew even has a YouTube video of his massive collection. Go on, you too can share. Maybe the clip you post today of snail racing on www.metcafe.com or www.dailymotion.com will become a hot viral video tomorrow.

But what is that you say? You think collecting toenails and snail racing are quite ordinary actually, and there is no one out there who can truly understand your quirks and exactly what you are going through? Well you are wrong. No, don’t waste your time trying to talk to a flesh and blood being. You’ll find no empathy from their kind. You need the welcoming web of cyberspace to fill the void in your heart. You are not alone. The internet is here for you. Be comforted in the soft glow of your computer screen telling you that ritual skunk sniffing at the public pool is a normal act and bears no shame. Stand Sit Slump proud as you hunker over your computer and blog about your latest adventure French kissing geckos in the wild of your back yard. Show your determination via post after post about the mutant zombie rats infiltrating the government. Revel in the power you wield over your five returning visitors and three misguided web searchers daily. Be one with the blogosphere.

Finally, do not worry that any of this may alienate you from the unimaginative who recklessly venture beyond the boundaries of their home and Wi-Fi security net on a regular basis. The currently deprived will be assimilated soon. That or their kind will simply die off. After all, how is their species to propagate without the aid of online dating sites like www.eHarmony.com and www.Match.com?

In fact, everyone who does not dedicate at least seven hours a day to browsing the net will be dead by 2020. This is an urban legend prophecy written by me and supported by Bill Gates who will pay you for everyone to whom you forward this message via email, Twitter, Facebook, or Myspace. I already got a check in the mail for $123,412.18! This is absolutely true. It’s true because it is on the internet. I put it there. And the internet doesn’t lie (don’t worry, I already checked www.Snopes.com).

Goal Setting Debunked

Traditionally, the start of a new year is a time to set goals. According to USA.gov, top new year’s resolutions include the following:

- Lose Weight
- Manage Debt
- Save Money
- Get a Better Job
- Get Fit
- Get a Better Education
- Drink Less Alcohol
- Quit Smoking Now
- Reduce Stress Overall
- Reduce Stress at Work
- Take a Trip
- Volunteer to Help Others
- Health-e-Cards for Holidays and New Year

Their web page even has links to help you with each goal.

Many books, speeches, classes, websites, etc. have been dedicated to helping make and achieve personal goals. This article is not an attempt to duplicate any one of them in a thinly veiled act of plagiarism. Instead, I am here to debunk a common goal setting myth. What, you didn’t know there were any goal setting myths? Then you will be twice educated. First I will introduce the myth (you might have heard it before), then I will debunk it. No, this will not be as visually entertaining as say MythBusters; but then again their show sets about “busting” myths which is a highly visual term. Debunking, on the other hand, is my objective.

Interestingly, the word debunk originates from a speech given during the 16th Congress, but I will not bore you with the details here. According to The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition (of course), to debunk is, “To expose or ridicule the falseness, sham, or exaggerated claims of.” I will focus primarily on the ridicule bit because it is of course so much more fun.


Common Goal Setting Myth: “Aim for the stars and maybe you’ll reach the sky.”

Reinhold Niebuhr, US Protestant theologian and critic, penned this quote in The Serenity Prayer (1934).

Taken literally, this makes no sense at all. First, let’s assume that when Niebuhr said “sky” he meant the beginning of outer space, which starts anywhere from 100 to 1000 kilometers (that’s 62.1 to 621 miles) from the Earth’s surface, depending on how you define the distinction between atmosphere and open space. Proxima Centauri, the nearest star, is 4.3 light years away. So, if NASA intended to reach Proxima Centauri and only made it to the sky, then their spacecraft would be 25283999999379 miles away from the intended destination. Put another way, this would be like setting a goal to earn one billion dollars and in fact earning just over two cents but being happy about the results anyway.

Some might cry foul here and argue that Niebuhr was not to be taken literally. Fair enough, as I have never read The Serinity Prayer, I do not know the context in which this was written. Let us give him the benefit of the doubt and contemplate the “spirit” rather than the “letter” of the quote. The spirit of the quote would seem to say that when setting goals we should consider a suitable goal then aim so high above it that we eventually reach the aforementioned acceptable level and are satisfied. This is bunk. This is self-delusional and ultimately disappointing. If we make impossible goals that we never really intend on reaching we have defeated the primary purpose of goal setting – goal achievement. That said, if you had a reasonable end in mind to begin with, why not just set it as the goal itself? Granted, we should choose goals that stretch our abilities to the maximum, cause us to learn and grow, and are difficult, but obtainable. The ideal goal is something that if we try our absolute hardest we have about at 50 percent chance of achieving. Any better chance and we are not challenging ourselves enough. Anything less likely to result in success and we are only setting ourselves up for failure.

So the next time you set a goal, be it on New Year’s Day or not, do yourself a favor and put some thought and effort into setting a realistic goal. You will find that goal achievement is very rewarding and be more likely to continue setting and achieving productive goals for years to come.

Fair Weather Fiends

Twice in the last seven or eight days there have been protesters outside the base’s main gate. Having paid their $50 for a ride on the Green Tortoise bus from San Francisco, they stood and displayed large banners stating, “End nuclear weapons testing,” and, “PEACE.” I do not harbor any bad feelings toward those who would express their opinions openly – after all, freedom of speech is one of the cherished privileges I serve to protect. However, I do take exception at the fact that they are either ill informed or fair weather protesters. Either of which is entirely unacceptable. If you believe strongly enough in something to organize an entire movement against it then you should make darn sure you get your facts straight.

The United States has not tested (detonated) a nuclear weapon since 1993. On the other hand, North Korea claimed to have tested nuclear bomb as recently as May 2009. So if you would really like to protest nuclear weapons testing, you could secure passage to their happy corner of the Earth and bombard Kim Jong II with signs that have snappy sayings like, “Give up Nukes… you Pukes,” or “Stop trying to destroy the world… think of the kittens!.” Yep, that would probably do the trick.

Finally, Vandenberg Air Force Base does not have a nuclear mission. I repeat, there are no nuclear weapons at VAFB. If you would like to protest land-based nuclear weapons, please get out your gas card and cold weather gear and ride the Green Tortoise out to Great Falls, Montana, Cheyenne Wyoming, or better yet, Minot North Dakota. For the full experience, you should go in January or February when you can stand outside the gate in the negative 50 degree Fahrenheit weather waving “PEACE” signs at the Airmen traveling out to the missile complex for another 1-3 day tour at a remote Missile Alert Facility. Their constant readiness serves as a deterrent to those who might use weapons of mass destruction against the U.S., our friends or allies.

Any protesters reading this might also be interested to learn that since 1958 “Peace is our Profession” has been the official motto of the nuclear deterrent force. On the other hand, perhaps you already know that and the “PEACE” sign is actually in support of our mission and serves as a thank you, not a protest. Well, in that case. Thanks – it’s good to be appreciated.

Customer Disservice

What do you get when you take customer service, subtract the service and ignore the customer?

I recently had one of those customer service experiences that had little to do with customers and nothing to do with service. We are about two months into our first experience with limited (15 GB/month) high-speed internet service. Since we have only had unlimited usage before, I had no idea how much we would need. The cable company representative said the average household doesn’t go above 15, and since it is an extra fee for more I decided to start there.

After the first full month and several phone calls to figure out how to track our usage, I found out we had used 81 GB in a month. Not to worry – we could continue at this rate for only an extra $100/month. Ouch. That was not going to work. Even if I had to pay some sort of early cancellation fee it would be cheaper to try and find a service provider offering unlimited usage. I found one (Verizon), but at a speed of about 1/3 what we are currently getting. However, I figured it was better to have a slower connection and be able to use what we need.

So, I gave Verizon a call. The Verizon rep. (I’ll call him Gary) took about five minutes to collect my name, phone number, email address, home address, sock size and political affiliation just to tell me what services they had to offer in my area (the same services I found online in about one minute using only my home address). He confirmed that it was unlimited service, but said it had to be bundled with a home phone line. Normally this would not have surprised me except for the fact that their web page said they had the bundled service available or the option to get only internet for a slightly increased price over what you would pay with an existing Verizon phone line. When I brought this to Gary’s attention, he conceded that they did in fact offer the stand-alone service, but it wasn’t a good option since it used packet switching technology. Perhaps this explanation would have thwarted the unwary layman, but for the technologically informed, we know this is how the internet itself is structured. Hence, bundled or not it uses packet switching.

I didn’t want to be on the phone longer than necessary, so I decided to give Gary a free pass on this one. I explained that I did not need the phone line since I used Voice over Internet Provider (VoIP) and had already prepaid for two years of service. Consequently, the internet only option came out cheaper. He queried how much a month I was spending on the VoIP – I told him, reminding him that I had already prepaid. He countered telling me that for only a few more dollars a month I could get the bundled service from Verizon to include home phone line and internet service.

Now it all made sense, all I had to do was pay more money for an unnecessary service and my life would be complete. Was this guy formerly a televangelist or did he only speak telemarketer? Since I didn’t need to be saved that particular morning, I decided to let that one slide too and moved on to the more important subject at hand. He had quoted a price for the internet service about $15 more a month that that listed online. Had I misread something? I asked Gary (you’d think I would have know better). He assured me that over the phone they had the best pricing available. Did he even hear me? How then did he explain the pricing discrepancy? He didn’t. He simply said that I could contact my local Verizon branch but it would probably cost me a little bit more if I took that route.

Now don’t take me for one of those “the customer is always right” cultists, but I do believe that customer service should involve some measure of human dignity and common sense. Please do not treat me like a misinformed Californian tourist asking a prepubescent convenience store clerk which highway will get me to Hawaii quickest. But if you do, be forewarned I have a blog, and am not afraid to use it! Someday someone somewhere just might read about your incompetence. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Cell Phones: Parasites or Appendages?

I think my cell phone may have become an appendage. For work purposes I am required to keep my cell phone on my person at all times and even shut off the shower to take a phone call if necessary. Days “off,” weekends, holidays, 2 a.m.; it doesn’t matter, I have to answer the cell phone when a call comes through. Now constantly carrying a cell phone isn’t a rarity nowadays, so you might be asking yourself, “how could it be like an appendage?” For those skeptics, I ask you to consider the following points:

1. Day-to-day I take it for granted that my cell phone will be on my person. Carrying it with me is nearly as unconscious as remembering to bring my left leg with me each morning.

2. If I do happen to misplace my cell phone I run around frantically searching for it as I would a severed finger so that it may be surgically reattached at the soonest possible moment.

3. When I am forced to leave my phone behind for whatever reason (e.g. when I am in a classified environment where no cell phones are allowed and I have forwarded my calls to a landline), I often have phantom cell phone vibrations and pat around my clothing for a bit looking for my cell phone before remembering it is no longer attached. This is akin to the stories people tell of having lost a leg in a freak ping-pong tournament accident and later having phantom itches in said missing appendage.

It is clear to me that my cell phone has in fact become an appendage of sorts. I guess this is my first step toward becoming a cyborg. Next I need a set of those glasses that have the miniature screens inside them and connect to the internet. Then I’ll build myself a spaceship shaped like a cube and run around “collecting” others to assimilate… oh wait, I think that’s been done already (was that Star Trek or Microsoft, or both?).

Everyone is a Critic

WARNING: This post contains SPOILERS for the movie THE LAKE HOUSE. Do not read if you have not seen the show and do not wish to have the ending revealed prematurely!

Disclaimer: Yes it is a chick flick, and yes it is a remake (Il Mare is the Korean original).

First, let me say that Keanu Reeves has not ever and will likely never be a good actor. That said, I am inclined to acknowledge that he was slightly more tolerable in this movie than in Sweet November (119 minutes of my life that I will never get back). In order to keep this short, I will ignore the many minor things that annoyed me and rant about the one major issue – the ending.

I was hopeful that at least in the last moments of this film I could walk away with the life lesson that in an ordinary world, even one with possessed mailboxes and a somewhat creepy dog, bad things can happen without a “happily ever after ending.” But no, just when I was filled with dark hope, Mickey Mouse must’ve poked one of the writers in the ribs and said, “He he – hey, you can’t end a movie like that! Look at The Little Mermaid – wow the original sure was depressing. Who would want to see a show like that? You’d better throw in some singing wildlife and dancing flowers or at least let the main characters get together and messily kiss all over each other.” And that is what they did. Bleh. Yes that is my official rating. On a scale of “Get outta my way, I gotta retch” to “I have truly been enlightened and feel I am now able to transcend the bounds of this earthly experience,” I give The Lake House one-and-a-half blehs.

The Erosion of Irony

I heard a song on the radio today that I couldn’t get out of my head, not because of the catchy tune, rather because of the artist’s choice of lyrics. “Ironic,” a song by Alanis Morrisette, talks about a series of misfortunes which ruin otherwise memorable and/or life-changing events. Such careless use of language is distasteful in general, and as is specifically illustrated in this case has led to the quiet demise of a once strong and literarily gratifying word.

Indeed, the concept of irony has been so diluted over the years that a recent edition of one dictionary lists its third definition as: “coincidental; unexpected.” (In an effort to maintain the dignity of said publication for those who may esteem it as one worthy of such, I refrain from naming it here.) My dear friends and readers, events, however ill-timed they may be, do not merit the label of such a grand word as ironic. Irony is in fact not coincidence, but “the use of words to express something different from and often opposite to their literal meaning;” or in experience, an “incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs.” (see The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition). This is not to be confused with sarcasm which lacks the wit and subtlety of irony.

Rain on your wedding day is not ironic – disappointing perhaps, but not ironic. A ninety-eight year old winning the lottery and dying the next day is not ironic. Honestly, it would be more surprising to learn the old man’s heart had survived the shock and that he lived. Alanis should be ashamed of what she has done here. An entire generation of school children will now grow into adulthood without a proper understanding of or respect for the irony in their lives. She has cheapened a precious commodity and sold it to the world as a thing of naught. For shame, Alanis. For shame!

However, Alanis may not be solely to blame. Indeed, her parents should share the burden of having instilled in her a misunderstood preoccupation with irony. You see, the very name “Alanis” is a form of Alana which is the feminine form of Alan, the meaning of which is not known for certain, though it possibly means either “little rock” or “handsome” in Breton. Hey, anyone might be confused if they tried to figure out why their parents thought they were a handsome, yet feminine little rock. Or maybe just a feminine little rock, or a girly sort of handsome…

The Power of Priceless Junk

It’s just what you never knew you needed but must have because it’s such a great deal. It speaks to you at a level no one else can truly understand. “Youuu need me,” it says in that suave foreign accent you can’t quite place but reminds you of somewhere sunny with an ocean view where everyone is wealthy and trim. Why do you need the three-slotted thingamajigger with optional whingding-a-ma-bopper? You finally purged the last item from your home, which could have been this one’s long lost twin, at your latest garage sale escapade. (You were asking for a dollar, but ultimately threw it in as a freebee to close the deal on a $2 sale of bird-watching binoculars you bought at a second-hand store a decade ago just in case you might ever need to use them… which you never did.) Well, you certainly didn’t set off to buy this item when you went shopping this morning, but this price is just too good to pass up.

You might conceivably need this sometime in the future, and it definitely won’t be this inexpensive then. No, most certainly not. If you don’t buy it now you will have to pay double or triple later. What if you can’t afford it then? What if aliens invade town tomorrow and take your favorite pet gerbil hostage, demanding one thingamajigger with optional whingding-a-ma-bopper for his safe return? What then, huh? Yes, you’ll be sorry you didn’t buy it today. Who knows, the item might even be sold out by then. If that’s the case, you may as well just kiss the little furry critter goodbye. Come on, isn’t the life of your rodent friend worth more than the meager price being asked for this one-of-a-kind item? “But of course I am,” injects the thingamajigger into your thoughts. “I am invaluable to you. You cannot resist me. Buy me.”

So you buy the thingamajigger with optional whingding-a-ma-bopper. No, you buy two (in case one gets lost or broken and you won’t be able to replace it later for this cheap). Sadly, you have succumbed to the wooing of the worthless soon-to-be-clutter. No one was there to remind you of the following facts: It’s on clearance for a reason – no one in their right mind would buy it. It’s at a rock-bottom price for a reason – no one in their right mind would buy it. It’s still sitting on the shelf even after being on rock-bottom-clearance price for a reason – no one in their right mind would buy it. Oh ye of muddled brain. Now you have to go buy the whatchamacallit container (on sale today only) to store your new stuff until that far-off imaginary day when it will suddenly and magically become useful.

"I will live with you forever... under your bed, in your closet, in the back of a drawer; invading wherever and whatever I wish. There is nothing you can do to stop me. You are under my power. You are mine. Do not even try to escape me. Resistance is futile. After all, you paid good money for me. Mu hu ha ha ha!"