Once I Traveled through Time

Once I traveled through time.

Slipping past years in a blink of the eye,

I awoke to a world asleep.

What strangeness I did find.

Foundations forgotten or left behind,

A Potemkin village made of lives.

Strangers unto themselves.

Beings advanced in years, but not in life,

Denying their very lineage.

Children of Deity.

Living an existence devoid of light.

In a cell of their own construction.

The sun still rose and set.

But having closed their eyes to shun the truth,

They had since forgotten how to see.

The light beckoned in vain.

Unwilling to endure the sight without,

They now hid in the darkness within.

Ignorance was easy.

An imagined world: reality,

Where whatever one wants can be right.

But it was all a facade.

Lies would not corrupt the truth.

Darkness could not shut out light.

These unhappy visions seared my soul,

And I saw the truth in the light of day.

Ignorance was not bliss.

The youth were confused and wandered lost,

While the adults denied them their knowledge.

Surely the end was near.

Yet there were some few who held on still,

Armed and armored with knowledge, light, and truth.

The valiant stood as one.

They held their lights high, ne’er to be hid,

Remembering from whence and whom they came.

 They knew no confusion.

Their destination was sure and true,

And they marched ever forward, toward their goal.

The truth had kept them free.

These happy visions enlarged my soul,

As I realized that all hope was not lost.

Those who wished could be saved.

I awoke in a world asleep,

And vowed never again to shut my eyes.

I would not lose more time.

Advice you didn't ask for, probably don't need, but are going to get anyway.

Revenge is best served cold, and hunger is the best sauce.  Therefore if you’re angry at someone, the best way to get back at them is to move to Antarctica and starve to death.  That’ll show ‘em.  That’ll show ‘em good.

Crunchy Cheddar Jalapeño Cheetos

If you haven't tried them, you are wrong.

Vampiric Silver Lining

Someone mentioned to me yesterday that the good news about the earthquake and tsunami that hit Japan is that gas prices are likely to drop since demand will go down (Japan will be using less for a while).

I know they were just trying to look on the bright side of a dismal situation, but now I feel like I'll be taking advantage of others' misfortune when I next fill up at the pump.  Perhaps we could all take some of that money we save and help ease the suffering of those most affected by this disaster.

Do Your Part -- Recycle Yourself

Thursday is trash day.  The day I contemplate how much refuse my household generates.  It does make me feel a bit better that California recycles practically everything that can conceivably be recycled.  The CRV kinda stinks though.  Oh well, “doing our part,” right?

One thing that does bug me though is the whole humans causing global warming bit espoused by the ecoreligionists.  I think it’s fairly egotistical to think we are having that big of an effect on the earth’s climate. 

Was it also our fault that there isn’t an ice age anymore?  Maybe it is.  Perhaps I’m looking at this all wrong.  Maybe time is circular and some decades into the future we figure out a way to reverse global warming and induce global cooling.  Then everything gets out of hand and we create a new ice age.  Then we all die and turn into petroleum.  Our decomposition starts a slow global warming process and the ice age ends in time for us to start coming around again much later to complain about running out of petroleum and overheating the planet.  Shame on us.  Didn’t we learn anything the first time around?  If we don’t stop existing now, we are ecoterrorists and mother nature will declare jihad on us.

Yep, that’s probably much more accurate.  I’m glad to finally get to the bottom of that mess.  Oh, and if this seems like a bunch of rambling nonsense to you that’s because global warming is melting your brain.

This is your brain. 

This is your brain on global warming. 

Any questions?

Yes, you in the back.

 

Why does your brain look like a chicken egg?

 

Because you’re an ecoterrorist.  

Now hurry up and turn into petroleum.

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New Wipes

So we're testing these new baby wipes my wife made with coffee filters. No, we don't drink coffee, but the filters are cheap and great for covering food in the microwave, using to put snacks in for the kids, and a variety of other things... but I digress.

The "wipes" are hard to separate and smear around poop more than wipe it off the rear of a squirming child.  Oh, and the poop smell leaks straight through them onto your hand. Come to think of it, isn't that pretty much what the filters were designed for, letting liquid through?.  How do I know the smell makes it through?  Let me just say this:  Distilled poop juice on your fingers will not wash off with the first scrubbing.  If you were unfortunate enough to assume it would, just don't pick your nose anytime soon

Why You Should Read Reviews

The Advertising Line

The HoMEDICS Neck and Shoulder Massager (with heat) promises, “an invigorating massage that provides soothing heat right where you need it most. The massager flexes to comfort your neck and shoulders – allowing you to sit back and indulge in a relaxing massage.”

THE TRUTH HURTS

I bought the massager for my wife as one of her birthday gifts. She had been suffering from a stiff, sore neck, and I thought something like this would be perfect to help her relax those tense muscles. The unfortunate reality is it did anything but.

My wife tried it out and didn’t like it. I tried it out and didn’t like it. I also felt it would be a disservice to humanity if I didn’t warn my fellow Earth dwellers that it is really a malevolent mind control device designed by super intelligent mutant moles who throughout their lives have suffered from mankind’s cruelty at the hands of jackhammer operators who literally rocked their world… and not in a good way.

The “invigorating massage” was less of a massage and more of a high-frequency vibration. Think of your cell phone sitting happily on the dresser without a care in the world, then vbRRRRRrrrrRRRRrrr – it jitters toward the edge and certain doom. I always assumed it was the intense vibration causing the phone to move like that. I was wrong. In fact, cell phones have become so advanced that they now experience a low form of self awareness. When you put the phone on vibrate its innards get violently shaken about so fast that all it can think about is somehow making it to the edge, toppling over the precipice and ending it all. It – just – can’t – take – it – anymore.

This is the same sensation you can purchase in a box with the HoMEDICS Neck and Shoulder Shake-your-eyeballs-in-their-sockets-so-fast-everything-goes-blurry-and-you-want-to-curl-up-in-a-ball-and-vomit-then-pass-out Massager.

Yes, you too can pay good money for that experience.

Fortunately, you don’t need to pay anything. To duplicate this phenomenon in the comfort of your own home all you have to do is cross your eyes as hard as you can until you feel a headache is inevitable, you are disoriented and queasy; then while remaining cross-eyed, violently shake your head side to side as you jump in the air and spin in circles as fast as you can. You will know you have achieved the desired result when you crash to the ground head-first and puke a little bit in your mouth. You swallowed it back down, didn’t you? Gross.

On a lighter note, the heating bit actually works as advertised. The only problem is that the unit is so bulky that if you try and sit back to relax, your neck will be shoved forward at such an angle as to not only nullify any soothing effects, but actually worsen the pain. Oh, and if you sit up it falls away and loses contact with your neck, so all it becomes is gaudy neck jewelry… with a trailing AC adapter plugged into the wall. You saw the picture.

This is not a fashion trend I expect will become faddish anytime soon.

THE POINT TO THIS WHOLE POST is that I could have saved myself time, money, and discomfort by simply doing a Google search, finding the product at Wall-Mart and reading the unhappy reviews. Here are some of my favorite quotes:

“After we tried it...we agree that it wasnt worth it because the vibration was soo hard that it made our brains go crazy. Now we're getting a headache if we choose to use it.”

“It was clutzy.
Didn't form in a comfortable position.
The HEAT button didn't work...so it
had NO heat.
I returned it to Wal Mart for refund.
Had no problem doing so.
It is something I would NOT suggest
to anyone to buy.
Cheap and very un-comforatble”

“We both were so excited about the product thinking it would work beautifully. It does vibrate and is very loud around the ears so hard to hear persons talking or the tv sounds.”

“This was ok if you like your head to be shaken off of your neck!! I had a headache and felt nauseated for quite a while after trying this for just a minute or two. Impossible to relax with this. The heat isn't noticeable! It only has two settings, low and high. Even low is not comfortable!! Don't waste your money. It is pretty stiff too, so it doesn't conform to your neck very well, either”

And it goes on…

Bottom line: If you are a masochist (or sadist that likes gift-giving), run out and buy two TODAY. If you are an activist, write Al Gore and tell him to forget “global warming,” we’ve got a bigger problem on our hands. If you have sympathy for the human condition but simply don’t care enough to motivate yourself to take an active part in the struggle against 21^st Century over-the-counter torture devices, blog about it. Otherwise, if you are a normal person, just don’t buy one.

How to save the world in 7 steps

Face it, email is a central part of your life. Indeed, life as we know it would end should all email servers die simultaneously. The Earth would even stop rotating on its axis. Probably anyway. Consequently, it is your civic duty, nay, your moral obligation to understand and abide by proper email checking technique. Fortunately, I have provided you with a foolproof checklist.

1. Log in to e-mail account or open email program such as MS Outlook or Eudora

2. Look for that one email you’ve been anxiously anticipating

3. Disappointedly peruse the subject lines of emails you did receive

4. Empty the spam folder after checking for wayward legitimate correspondence among the offers to collect your personal information in exchange for millions in unclaimed inheritance and advertisements to enhance your… ahem, personal life in some very specific ways

5. Read the remaining unopened emails

6. Run any suspect emails by Snopes.com

7. Repeat steps 1-6 as necessary

Many individuals inappropriately skip the very important step 6. As a result they fall for email scams or forward on amazing stories or unbelievable deals that turn out to be nothing more than internet rumors or worse. Fortunately, now that you have the complete approved checklist you can help break the chain simply by navigating to www.snopes.com and typing a few key words into their search engine.

Additionally, if you are bored or just curious you can always peruse the snopes.com archives and will likely learn that a few things you have believed for years turn out to be entirely false.

Snopes.com works for me.

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This article is linked at www.wearethatfamily.com

Goal Setting Debunked

Traditionally, the start of a new year is a time to set goals. According to USA.gov, top new year’s resolutions include the following:

- Lose Weight
- Manage Debt
- Save Money
- Get a Better Job
- Get Fit
- Get a Better Education
- Drink Less Alcohol
- Quit Smoking Now
- Reduce Stress Overall
- Reduce Stress at Work
- Take a Trip
- Volunteer to Help Others
- Health-e-Cards for Holidays and New Year

Their web page even has links to help you with each goal.

Many books, speeches, classes, websites, etc. have been dedicated to helping make and achieve personal goals. This article is not an attempt to duplicate any one of them in a thinly veiled act of plagiarism. Instead, I am here to debunk a common goal setting myth. What, you didn’t know there were any goal setting myths? Then you will be twice educated. First I will introduce the myth (you might have heard it before), then I will debunk it. No, this will not be as visually entertaining as say MythBusters; but then again their show sets about “busting” myths which is a highly visual term. Debunking, on the other hand, is my objective.

Interestingly, the word debunk originates from a speech given during the 16th Congress, but I will not bore you with the details here. According to The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition (of course), to debunk is, “To expose or ridicule the falseness, sham, or exaggerated claims of.” I will focus primarily on the ridicule bit because it is of course so much more fun.


Common Goal Setting Myth: “Aim for the stars and maybe you’ll reach the sky.”

Reinhold Niebuhr, US Protestant theologian and critic, penned this quote in The Serenity Prayer (1934).

Taken literally, this makes no sense at all. First, let’s assume that when Niebuhr said “sky” he meant the beginning of outer space, which starts anywhere from 100 to 1000 kilometers (that’s 62.1 to 621 miles) from the Earth’s surface, depending on how you define the distinction between atmosphere and open space. Proxima Centauri, the nearest star, is 4.3 light years away. So, if NASA intended to reach Proxima Centauri and only made it to the sky, then their spacecraft would be 25283999999379 miles away from the intended destination. Put another way, this would be like setting a goal to earn one billion dollars and in fact earning just over two cents but being happy about the results anyway.

Some might cry foul here and argue that Niebuhr was not to be taken literally. Fair enough, as I have never read The Serinity Prayer, I do not know the context in which this was written. Let us give him the benefit of the doubt and contemplate the “spirit” rather than the “letter” of the quote. The spirit of the quote would seem to say that when setting goals we should consider a suitable goal then aim so high above it that we eventually reach the aforementioned acceptable level and are satisfied. This is bunk. This is self-delusional and ultimately disappointing. If we make impossible goals that we never really intend on reaching we have defeated the primary purpose of goal setting – goal achievement. That said, if you had a reasonable end in mind to begin with, why not just set it as the goal itself? Granted, we should choose goals that stretch our abilities to the maximum, cause us to learn and grow, and are difficult, but obtainable. The ideal goal is something that if we try our absolute hardest we have about at 50 percent chance of achieving. Any better chance and we are not challenging ourselves enough. Anything less likely to result in success and we are only setting ourselves up for failure.

So the next time you set a goal, be it on New Year’s Day or not, do yourself a favor and put some thought and effort into setting a realistic goal. You will find that goal achievement is very rewarding and be more likely to continue setting and achieving productive goals for years to come.

What to say when someone else has said too much

This post was inspired by Nikki's post "My kids are making me fat."

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Anyone with more than two children has likely been assaulted in public at one time (or many times) by someone who has felt the burning need to make them feel like an irresponsible member of society for being so heinous as to burden their sight with multiple children at once. You have likely walked away from such an encounter frustrated with yourself for not having just the right thing to say to make them realize the stupidity of their comment and/or action. Well, no more. Below you will find helpful suggestions for those of you who, like me, are happily burdened with more little bundles of love then the world-at-large can handle.


Got enough kids?

• Not yet. I’m still trying to acquire a few more healthy ones for the sweat-shop. Why, are you selling?

• We’re trying to stock-up before all the good ones are taken.

• Well, we’ve got enough for the basketball team, but we’ve really set our hearts on a football team.

• We keep trying for one that poops gold. We’ll let you know when we get there.
  
  

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You do know what causes that, right?

Does everyone who says this really believe they were the first to proffer up the socially insightful and clearly hilarious comment? Their all-knowing smirk of self-indulgent humor says:

Yes. I am in fact so naïve as to believe I just could have been the first person in history to ask anyone with more than two children, “You do know what causes that, right?” I most thoroughly enjoy saying it like they were a toddler trying to carry an overburdening armful of toys down the stairs soon to be met with an imminent and complete loss of control followed by a headfirst plummet down to the bottom where they will lay hopelessly sprawled among play-things gone wayward – evidence of their obvious-to-everyone-else-but-not-to-them stupidity.

I usually reply to such an intellectually advanced comment in kind and say, “No. But we think it’s the popcorn.”

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My! You have your hands full!

• I know! Isn’t it wonderful.

• My shrink says I shouldn’t do it anymore, but the voices in my head are saying to kill you and hide the body in the garden with the others. The petunias will be happy.
  
  

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Are those ALL yours?

• What are you, a Fed?! How did you find me? You’ll never take me alive!

• Nah, they’re just on loan from God for a few years.
  
  

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Counting children out loud in front of parent (wide-eyed and disapprovingly)

This usually occurs in the mall or a grocery store where the offender likely also has something handy to count. Try counting the bags they are holding or cans in their cart aloud very slowly and with growing alarm with each numeral. End with a firm nod and a satisfied smile on your face indicating you are very pleased with yourself for having been able to count that high without your head popping.

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And my personal favorite, The Disgusted Glare

Carry around some Imodium AD with you wherever you go. When you catch this individual in the act, discretely walk to them, hand over a few pills and conspiratorially whisper, “I know that look. Don’t worry, two of these and you won’t have to keep them squeezed so tight when you walk.” Then give them a warm motherly/fatherly smile and walk away happy to have been able to help someone in such an unfortunate circumstance.